So we come to another Friday, and despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break it my heart my best intentions, I've not managed to actually get a non-FUF blog together. Blame it on working too much, or the heat (it's currently stupid hot here in NYC...last I checked 104 and rising), or just general life getting in the way.
Did I mention it's stupid hot out?
This week's FUF song is another one of those good staples, and much like Dido, Tori, and several others, is likely destined to be a repeat FUFer. Sometimes we want love. Other times we just want to make out. This song is for when we're in the second mood.
Today's FUF selection is "Lover I Don't Have to Love" by Bright Eyes;
I picked you out Of a crowd and talked to you Said I liked your shoes You said thanks can I follow you? So it's up the stairs And out of view No prying eyes I poured some wine I asked your name you asked the time
(I really like that last line...it's so...tragically depressing in a way)
Now it's two o'clock, the club is closed we're up the block Your hands on me I'm pressing hard against your jeans Your tongue in my mouth Trying to keep the words from coming out You didn't care to know Who else may have been you before
I want a lover I don't have to love I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck Where's the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet me here but I'm not sure I got the money if you got the time You said it feels good I said I'll give it a try
Then my mind went dark We both forgot where your car was parked Let's just take the train I'll meet up with the band in the morning Bad actors with bad habits Some sad singers They just play tragic And the phone's ringing And the van's leaving Let's just keep touching Let's just keep keep singing
I want a lover I don't have to love I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk Where's the kid with the chemicals I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full I need some meaning I can memorize The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
But you but you You write such pretty words But life's no story book Love's an excuse to get hurt And to hurt Do you like to hurt? I do! I do! Then hurt me.
I like the shift in the last verse from vaguely depressing casualty to actual potential feelings...yet also the underlying difficulty of having a relationship in the first place. It's basically the difference between what you think you want and what you actually wind up finding. Oh love...so strange and confusing.
But now for something a bit happier, since that's perhaps the most depressing song ever. This is another Bright Eyes song, but I like the view of hope in it. And the video is freaking adorable! See you next week!
There's a different between your head and your heart. Sometimes your head is screaming "This girl is perfect for you," but your heart just kind of shrugs. Other times, your brain (and sometimes your friends) are slapping you and telling you to just get over the boy, and your heart is just sitting there like a pouty schoolgirl refusing to budge.
Hands up if that's ever happened to you? Yeah...thought so.
Unfortunately, I'm much more likely to fall into the second camp. I crush easily, but then I tend to get over my crushes fairly quicklyeventually. But sometimes you just need to kick start your heart.
This is one of my favorite songs for getting over a crush. Yes, it's show tunes, but deal ok. It's my blog, I'll fall into whatever stereotypes I want ^_^ Today's selection is "There's a Fine, Fine Line" from Avenue Q.
There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time
There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye". I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime
But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away... Oh...
There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.
Emphasis added.
As we've discussed, love and relationships and crushes and feelings are weird. Strange. And so many times, completely and totally irrational. But just because they're irrational doesn't mean we don't want them just the same. And it doesn't mean they're not there, even if we wish they weren't.
So anyway...there's the head space. It's now a matter of dealing with it.
Welcome back cats and kittens to another edition of F***ed Up Friday. Unfortunately I don't have a full update for you as I am currently on vacation (I know right? Since when do lawyers take vacations?).
In fact, this update is being written on Tuesday morning and (hopefully) scheduled to post on Friday. Ooooooh time travel.
But never fear, I won't let you down, gentle readers, who seek creepy emotional stalker music!
First....domestic abuse is punishable by law, we all know that. But did you know it's also punishable under United States military law? The United States Marine Corp has a guide for helping commanding officers decide what level of intervention is necessary and the goals of said intervention should a member of the Marines be involved in domestic abuse.
Let's take a look at Level IV out of V. Hmmm..."Significant use of non-accidental physical force . . Threats to kill, maim, or seriously harm victim or victim’s family, friends, or pets. . .Stalking." Oh...and threatening suicide. We go up to Level V and we have prolonged stalking, actually killing or maiming of the pets, and serious threats of suicide.
You hear that, Bruno Mars? Even the Marines think your threats to jump on grenades and hack of limbs is akin to stalking and significant use of non-accidental force. You need serious help.
Second...apparently people still find "Every Breath You Take" romantic. It's apparently still a wedding song.
SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? SERIOUSLY?!
When asked by he appears angry in the music video, Sting responded "I think the song is very, very sinister and ugly and people have actually misinterpreted it as being a gentle, little love song."
Here we go! Quick quiz!
"Oh can't you see, you belong to me."
"It was impossible… to stop. Impossible. But I did. I must love you."
One of those lines is from Sting. One is from Twilight. Can you tell them apart?
Again, we're in Level IV/Level V territory. I can't believe I have to say this!
Anyway, it's time for vacation! See you on the flipside. And just remember, if you want to stalk your current crush, please leave Fluffy and Binkykins out of it. But remember to have your pets spayed and neutered. Bob Barker would appreciate it.
Welcome back, cats and kittens. It's Friday already. And since it's a beautiful Friday and just a few hours separates us from a sunny three day weekend (if you're in Canada, it's already the weekend...Happy Canada Day!), I won't make any reference to that Friday song.
Instead, it's time to turn inward and examine our own emotional needs and the crazy songs that go with it. However, I've started to notice a trend: No matter who we're talking about, the topic usually devolves into discussions of how Dido will cut you or that vampirism does not make stalking sexy (especially when said stalker is a creepy pedophile). So I've just decided to cut all the pretense and cut right to the chase: Dido cutting a vampire.
From her 2003 album "Life For Rent," today's FUF selection is "White Flag" by Dido:
First of all, before we go any further. The whole wall of pictures? The wall of pictures that both of them have? Yeah...unhealthy creepy stalker behavior. Moving on...
So who is tall, dark and brooding? Yep, that's Angel himself, David Boreanaz, the original emo vampire stalker. And before you get all crabby about how dare I make any inference that Angel and Edward Cullen are similar, let's take a look at the facts, shall we?
1. They're both stalkers: Now yes, granted, Angel at least asked before he snuck into Buffy's window, but let's be honest, Angel did kind of follow her around...a lot. Like a stalker. So one's a creepy stalker, the other is just a slightly less creepy stalker. To-may-to, To-mah-to.
2. They're both cradle robbers: Edward is 119 or something like that. Bella was in high school. Angel's several hundred year's old. Buffy's in high school. Nuff said.
3. Bad hair.
"His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he'd just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful." ~ Is this a description of Edward or Angel...it's tough to tell
Of course, regardless of how absolutely disturbing Edward and Angel are, they pale in comparison (hee I'm so punny) to the cray-cray of Dido. Let's take a look
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
HA! Like I'm going to believe that. This is the same girl who once told us to close the blinds and shut the door, you won't need other friends anymore. And she'll make us weaker like a child. And asks quietly and calmly, "So you won't be leaving will you?"
Anyway, maybe she's changed her ways and decided NOT to cling to a relationship that's just doomed to failure. That would be a first. Let's read on and see.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Wait what? Like 5 seconds ago you were saying how you were NOT trying to return to where you were before (locking them up in your basement?) and now you're singing about how you refuse to let the love die? This is not the attitude of someone who's moved on. This is the attitude of a woman with a knife threatening to cut you if you try to leave her.
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
Yes, Dido, because see here in the real world, we do these things called "break ups." That's when you realize that a specific relationship isn't going to work out and you end it. You don't get Glenn Close-style creepy.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
Oh good...so you're going to finally let it go...
And you will think
That I've moved on....
This...this is the creepiest line in the whole song. Because while you think she's gotten over you, she's secretly planning on pulling a "Don't Leave Home" on you. Just you wait.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
We get it. The relationship may be over, but not for you. Oh no. You will love them. You will love them so hard it hurts. You will make them love you. And if they won't you will make sure that they can never love anyone again...
You think she moved on. That was your mistake.
Now before you all get all "Why are you picking on Dido?" I have to say that I do enjoy her music. I have all her CDs. But saying Dido's a little crazy is like saying some one's a little pregnant.
Now excuse me, I have to go close the blinds and shut the door. If I sit alone in the dark, she won't find me...
Welcome back, cats and kittens, to another edition of F***ed Up Friday, music for your emotional needs. In the past, we've examined songs about unrequited love, stalking, jealousy, stalking, longing, stalking, and hacking your arms off in an attempt to woo a murderer. But sometimes those emotions and those sentiments aren't going to cut it. Sometimes you don't want to have a pity party with wine and Tori Amos on repeat. No...you want anger. You want rage. And no one does justifiable (or unjustifiable) anger better than a lesbian with a guitar.
They don't have a guitar, but they are lesbians. And it gives me an excuse to post a Sailor Moon picture!
Today, we're going back in time to your intrepid hero's high school days. Having moved on from The Cranberries, I needed something new. Sure, I had my fling with Alanis (who will likely grace these pages someday soon), but it was Ani Difranco who seemed to bring my friends and I together the most. As I think about it, I've seen her...I think 4 times in concert, all with different people.
Like many of our past and future FUFers, there are many a song that I could pick, and probably I will use many of hers in the future. But this one is partly for sentimental reasons. Sure it wasn't the first Ani song I ever listened to...but it was the first track on the first Ani CD I ever owned.
From her 1996 album "Dilate," today's FUF selection is "Untouchable Face" by Ani Difranco:
The first thing about the song is how...calm it is. However, let's be honest. While Dido's eerie calm is a way to lull you into security before she puts you under house arrest and threatens to cut you should you ever leave her, Ani's calm doesn't hide her true intentions. Rather...it's just the slow burning seething.
Think I'm going for a walk now I feel a little unsteady I don't want no one to follow me Except maybe you I could make you happy, you know If you weren't already I could do a lot of things And I do
Totally my life story. Honestly. I'm the best person ever at finding out if some one's in a relationship, because if I like them, they totally are. Or the plumbing won't work.* *By which I mean the boy parts and girl parts aren't in the right ratio, if you get my drift...
Tell you the truth, I prefer the worst of you Too bad you had to have a better half She's not really my type But I think you two are forever And I hate to say it but you're perfect together
Ugh, but who hasn't said it?
Even this guy said it eventually. Although then again, he fell in love with an infant, so he's probably not the best judge of who should be in a relationship with who.
So fuck you And your untouchable face Fuck you For existing in the first place And who am I That I should be vying for your touch? Who am I? Bet you can't even tell me that much
Preach it sister. Who hasn't wanted to say that, at least once?
2:30 in the morning My gas tank will be empty soon Neon sign on the horizon Rubbing elbows with the moon Safe haven of the sleepless Where the deep fryer's always on Radio is counting down the top 20 country songs
Dive bar. Bottle of wine on your couch. What's the difference?
Out on the porch the fly strip is Waving like a flag in the wind You know I really don't look forward To seeing you again soon
You look like a photograph of yourself Taken from far, far away I won't know what to do I won't know what to say
So fuck you And your untouchable face Fuck you For existing in the first place And who am I That I should be vying for your touch? Who am I? Bet you can't even tell me that much
See you and I'm so perplexed What was I thinking?
Amen, sister!
What will I think of next? Where can I hide? In the back room there's a lamp That hangs over the pool table And when the fan is on it swings Gently side to side There's a changing constellation Of balls as we are playing I see Orion and say nothing The only thing I can think of saying
Is fuck you And your untouchable face Fuck you For existing in the first place And who am I That I should be vying for your touch? Who am I? Bet you can't even tell me that much
There really isn't all that much to say that hasn't already been said on the subject. So instead of wallowing in self-pity watching Lifetime movies with a pint of ice cream and a bottle of Pinot Grigio, just give them the finger (literally or metaphorically) and move on. Because if you reading this, gentle readers, you're probably too good for them anyway.
As you probably can tell from the title of this amazing blog as well as various posts, our intrepid hero is single. Quite single. In New York. And not the rocking awesome single from sitcoms and HBO, but the overworked-lack-of-sleep-don't-feel-like-going-out-would-rather-just-go-home-and-sleep single.
However, this wasn't always the case. Last year I was in a long term relationship. Things started off well. I was excited to meet my new significant other. I'd heard a lot about him, but we'd never really met face to face. Things started a bit rocky as we started to get used to each other, but then things went smoothly. Granted, sometimes we would grate on each other's nerves, like when I wanted him to speed up and he seemed to just take his sweet old time. Then again, at times he would demand attention from me at the most inopportune times, like when I just wanted to watch TV or sleep or have some single time (which btw, I believe everyone, even those in relationships, should have).
Sometimes I wouldn't check in with him and then guilt would wash over me. He never got angry, but I could always tell he was just...disappointed. Anyway, what started out as a casual relationship soon became all consuming. He seemed to follow me around constantly, always wanting my attention. Even if I told him I would be away for a weekend and hence, unreachable, I would still have to check in with him the moment I got home. There were no boundaries. 11 AM, 3 AM, 11 PM, it didn't matter. When he called, I had to pick up.
Eventually, it came time for us to break up. I remember the giddy excitement I had when we first met. But when it came time to part ways, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I couldn't wait. I actually still have some of his stuff, but I don't think he really cares.
If you're curious, here's his picture.
Also known as the Electronic Leash
When I broke up with my work Black Berry (and by broke up, I mean forced willingly giving it back when I got laid off), my life became a whole lot freer. Sure, sometimes it sucks not being able to check my email constantly, but I think the trade off is totally worth it.
Of course, I bounced back quickly. After all, me and the Electronic Leash weren't completely monogamous. I had my little trick on the side. Now he's not really all that flashy, but he gets the job done. He's there when I need him and if I don't check in for a while, he doesn't get all clingy on me. Sure he's not quite the status symbol of Mr. Berry, but you know what? Maybe I'm just a simple, low maintenance kind of guy. I get my calls, I get my texts, and I even have a nifty little slide out keyboard.
At least I don't feel guilty ignoring him when he rings at 3:00 AM
In our hunt for a meaningful relationship, we're usually fighting between holding out for "the best" or settling down. But what is the best? And what do you do if you really can't afford the best? Do you still hold out for it? Do you find a way to get it no matter the cost?
An iPhone may look sleek and shiny and be a status symbol. But it freezes up just like a frigid trophy wife when you try to hold it in public. Is that what you want? Or do you settle with a utility phone without the bells and whistles but won't drop your calls and doesn't mind driving the kids to soccer in a green minivan? Perhaps you settle for a mid-range Droid, with a few hiccups here or there but mostly works. But then, do you get iPhone envy? And do the flashy iPhoners ever wonder what life would be like with something simpler? Let's recall that the iPhone tracks your every move like Dido a crazy stalker and can only be used with certain accessories you have to buy at a premium. Hello, can we say "baggage"?
Plus let's recall our lesson from last week, when we learned that joining a cult isn't usually a good idea
But the snazziness of your significant other isn't the only consideration. Are you the type of person that wants to date around casually and try new things? Maybe you're not ready for the commitment of a year long contract, so you try something month to month. Or maybe you're looking for a little extra security, and you worry that if you wait too long, the deal will vanish into this air? Are you looking for a cheap date who doesn't mind sitting at home and watching movies while eating delivery Chinese, or is your Nobu-loving date only worth it if you invest in their unlimited data plan?
And finally, when it comes to upgrading, what do you do? Do you stand by the date that's stood by you, or are you in line two days early when Cult Leader Jobs announces something new? Do you anxiously wait for upgrades or do you not really care? Are you quick to jump on the next big thing, or do you wait to make sure that they're not completely crazy or have other issues?
In the end, only you can make these decisions, but hopefully, the way you find a phone will help you cope with your own love life. Or heck, perhaps your own love life can help you deal with your phone anxiety. But seriously, it's just a phone. I mean, being able to load Angry Birds on your phone isn't going to help get you laid, no matter what Steve Jobs may tell you. Now Grindr on the other hand...
Welcome back, cats and kittens, to another installment of F***ed Up Friday. Last week, we presented a sordid tale of love and loss, of sex, drugs, fur, and cults. This week, we present none of that. No, I lie. This week we present the love and loss (and maybe some of the sex), but gone are the hippie vegans and the cultists.
Today's song returns to the roots of FUF: Unrequited love. Now while this isn't quite the creepy stalking love of Dido, the drink alone in the dark unrequited love of Tori Amos, or the completely fucked up trying to commit suicide to impress a girl who is actively trying to murder you of Bruno Mars (seriously!), but it's unrequited love nonetheless. And best of all, it's probably a song you haven't heard yet (well some of you have because I've forced you to listen to it before).
Note the great unrequited love posture. Slumping, gazing off into the distance, reaching out to touch someone who isn't there. Those are all good tips, kids, write them down.
From her 2003 album "Leave the Light On," this week's FUF song is "If God Only Knew" by Beth Hart. Have a listen here.
If you're thinking to yourself, "Self, I know that singer, where have I heard her before?" you would probably be right. Beth Hart is most known for "LA Song" which, at least according to the Wikis, reached number 5 on the Adult Contemporary charts. But we're not talking about that song now. Focus now...
God only knew, how much I loved that man
Ain't no words to say, the way I feel
It's like a bad dream, but it's real
It seems like only yesterday
We were talkin', in the most familiar way
(At least you're talking...this is a plus...)
Now everybody, knows the way I am They all see right through my show
I aimed so high, now I'm so low (so low)
I'm all dressed up, and I got nowhere to go
(For the record, that may be my new saying)
If God only knew how I loved that man I would have died for you, I guess he'll never understand
I loved you right or wrong, it was you all along
Heaven knows that it's true, hard as it's been
I'd do it all over again (over and over, and over again)
I say goodbye to dreamin' (dreamin’)
It's only water, in my hands
(Over, and over, and over…and over again)
So when you see me, walkin' down that street
Don't ignore me, if I speak
'Cause I knew you better, than anyone else
And I loved you more, than you could ever know yourself
(Seriously...who hasn't thought this at some point?)
If God only knew how I loved that man (why don’t you tell me 'bout it)
I would have died for you, and I guess he'll never understand
Loved you right or wrong, it was you all along
Heaven knows that it's true, hard as it's been
I'd do it all over again
(Over, and over again) So the story is basically the same. Girl loves boy. Boy doesn't love girl. Girl shuts the blinds and closes the door and doesn't let him have other friends anymore. Sorry, wrong song. Boy loves girl, girl tries to murder boy, boy responds by trying to commit suicide as a show of undying love. Sorry, Bruno Mars moment there.
It's certaily unrequited love. Perhaps even a break up, depending on how you interpret the end of the first verse. But on a plus, at least this time they were actually talking (in a most familiar way) instead of this being full out stalking. Then again, as I've told you, just because you're talkign to someone does not preclude you stalking them as well.
It's like shooting fish in a barrel
Of course, rather than, oh say cutting the crap and just telling the guy she loves him, she'd prefer to keep it between her and God. And although she flirts with suicidal tendencies ("I would have died for you...") at least she never has a Bruno Mars hack-off-my-limbs-for-love moment.
What I think I particularly like about the song is the realization that moving on isn't as easy as certain bloggers would have you think. Yes, we can rationalize that Super Cute Bartenders are incredibly dumb, that one shouldn't flirt with one's potentially-homo (when you're looking for hetero-lovin') boss who lives across the country, or that unrequited love is having your crush asking for help on their online dating profile, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. We feel good about ourselves when we're in love. We get that giddy sensation when they acknowledge us and a little bounce in our step when we know we look good, all for trying to impress our mate. And when things don't work out, we dust ourselves and move on, and do it all over again...
Welcome back, gentle readers, to another edition of F***ed Up Friday, where your intrepid hero (that's me), will tell you the songs you should be listening to in order to fully deal with your emotional/romantic needs.
First of all, I feel slightly ashamed that I have barely posted in the past two weeks, and that this is coming to you so late on Friday. But never fear, cats and kittens, I shall be attempting to delight and titillate you with more insightful posts (or at least amusing stories of my life) in future weeks.
But enough chit-chat. Let us sally forth into the depths of emotional torment. Or something. Today's song is one of those tales of love, mirth, and woe. It tells the story of love found, then tragedy struck, and then lost. It tells of the struggle to overcome hurt and pain to move on into a brighter tomorrow.
Ok fine, really, it's about a college girl who finds out her pothead boyfriend is cheating on her. But you have to admit, I had some good purple prose going there. And really, not all of our songs can be about hacking off your limbs for love or going to movies alone. Sometimes we need a little levity.
Her parents apparently wanted to name her Darcy, after the guy with the big. . .house. . .in Pride and Prejudice. I kind of like that.
From her 1996 album "Mortal City," today's selection is Dar Williams' "The Poignant, Yet Pointless, Crisis of a Co-Ed."
Let's take a closer look, shall we?
I'm not a leader, I'm not a left-wing rhetoric mobilizing force of one,
But there was a time way back, many years ago in college, don't laugh,
But I thought I was a radical, I ran the hemp Liberation League with my
boyfriend,
It was true love, with a common cause, and besides that, he was a Sagittarius.
Things seem to be going so well. You meet someone who has similar interests in you, and you hit it off. And far be it from me to comment on picking someone for their Zodiac sign. After all, I was a very amateur totally professional astrologer for a respected news paper. This is all true, if slightly editorialized.
We used to say that our love was like hemp rope, three times as strong as the
rope that you buy domestically,
And we would bond in the face of oppression from big business and the deans,
But I knew there was a problem, every time the group would meet everyone would
light up,
That made it difficult to discuss glaucoma and human rights, not to mention
chemotherapy.
Ooooooooh. See, now things begin to go downhill. Well, not all crushes are good news. But at least she acknowledges it, as opposed, to say, continuing to stalk/pursue her crush. As a certain person has never ever ever done.
Well sometimes, life gives us lessons sent in ridiculous packaging,
And so I found him in the arms of a Student Against the Treacherous use of Fur,
And he gave no apology, he just turned to me, stoned out to the edge of
oblivion,
He didn't pull up the sheets and I think he even smiled as he said to me,
"Well, I guess our dreams went up in smoke."
And I said, "No, our dreams went up in dreams, you stupid pothead."
Sigh. Well it's a fact of life that some times your crushes just don't work out. You know, sometimes you're stalking your crush and then they turn out to be really dumb. Or you're at a bar making out with a guy and then he mentions something about balancing his Thetans and you realize that you have stuck your tongue down the throat of a Scientologist. Which, I should point out, has happened to me.
And another thing, what kind of a name is Students Against the Treacherous Use
of Fur?
Fur is already dead, and besides, a name like that doesn't make a good acronym.
She does have a valid point here.
I am older now, I know the rise and gradual fall of a daily victory.
And I still write to my senators, saying they should legalize cannabis,
And I should know, cause I am a horticulturist, I have a husband and two
children out in Lexington, Mass.
And my ex-boyfriend can't tell me I've sold out, because he's in a cult.
And he's not allowed to talk to me.
She's moved on! Hallelujah! This is a good example of how to deal with a setback in love. You don't lock them up in a room to make them love you and threaten to cut them should they leave *cough*Dido*cough* And you certainly don't sit alone in the dark drinking wine and listening to a Tori Amos song on repeat.
No. You move on, find somebody better, and then laugh at the patheticness of your crush in the first place. Or deny said crush ever happened in the first place.
But most important, if they do happen to be a member of the cult, never join them. It never turns out well.
Welcome back, cats and kittens, to another episode of F***ed Up Friday, where we examine the music that goes with your emotional instability. Last week we examined a song about blowing yourself up for love. At least based on the comments I got on Facebook, most of you tended to agree that "Grenade" by Bruno Mars was indeed the worst love song ever written.
This week's song certainly doesn't belong in the category of worst love songs ever written. On it's literal face, it's about a woman who mistakes a piece of garbage for an animal. However, much like that kid in "American Beauty" who insists that trash is beautiful, our protagonist can only lament that her relationship unrequited crush is both slowly killing her and the only thing keeping her alive.
We're not sure what else is keeping her alive. It's certainly not food.
From her 1999 album
"When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king
What he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight
And he'll win the whole thing 'fore he enters the ring
There's no body to batter when your mind is your might
So when you go solo, you hold your own hand
And remember that depth is the greatest of heights
And if you know where you stand, then you know where to land
And if you fall it won't matter, cause you'll know that you're right" (Yes that's the title), today's selection is "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple
Let's take a closer look, shall we?
I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on
Or something like that
Stargazing…something I can relate to ^_^
I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew
Was a hopeless to be had
I must say, I really like this imagery. I think it’s the use of the word “fix.” Because as we all know, if we could bottle love, it most certainly would be a narcotic. And while a healthy relationship can be good for people, sometimes even little flirtations with love can get you hooked; crushes can turn out to be obsessions that aren’t healthy. Now not all crushes are inherently bad, but when you’re planning to lock up your crush for eternity, trying to blow yourself up to impress someone who’s trying to murder you, or finding someone sneaking into your room to watch you sleep “romantic,” then you’ve got a problem.
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
You’re all smart people, you can figure out what this means. But in case you are feeling lazy, let’s review: Girl has a crush. Girl sees glimmer of light. Perhaps he asked her to a movie. Perhaps he merely said “see you later” and she responded by thinking that since he therefore SEES her, he must LOVE her. Unclear. Moving on in the lyrics, we realize that this little glimmer of hope has been crushed like ants upon a tuna dish. There’s nothing there.
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Another metaphor that accurately captures the total agony of being in love (thanks, cute kid from "Love, Actually"). Crushes do hurt. That's why their called crushes. But at least, unlike certain people, when she realizes her love is unrequited, she doesn't continue to pine over it. She gets over it. Imagine that.
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
Oh god, she's regressing! She's gone back to pining. Seriously, Fiona, you were doing so well!
And I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said, "It's all in your head"
And I said, "So's everything'" but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy
There...right there. That line is like THE line to end all lines. How many of us have thought that at least one time or another. Especially when dealing with childish emotionally unavailable crushes. Seriously. At least she gets it.
Either that or she's bat shit insane. Unclear.
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Preach it!
Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Hallelujiah!
Oh hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
Because I know that I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving it works, when it costs too much to love
Amen, sister!
So there we have it. A story about realizing you're in love, your crush isn't into you and/or is in bad news and you're like "hmmm...no." Or maybe it's about emotional unavailability. Or maybe it's just about Fiona being crazy and her guy just doesn't realize it.
That or it's just her way to stay thin.
Although in all seriousness, girl needs to eat a bagel or something.
Welcome back, cats and kittens, to F***ed up Friday, where we find the music that best fits and works with your emotional needs and relationship issues. Now, I've gone on record on saying that I firmly believe that Dido will cut me, and I stand by that statement. Dido's music is all about one-sided relationships verging on stalking, with a real threat of violence should you break up with her (or at least having her lock you up and not letting you leave...ever). But I believe I have finally found someone to top Dido in the cray cray stalking this-is-not-how-a-healthy-relationship-work competition.
Now I'm sure Bruno Mars is a very nice person. And Whitney Houston would approve of his use of coke (remember, crack is whack, but coke is ok). However, in "Grenade," he takes his relationship to a level that Dido can only dream of.
There's nothing romantic about this song. In fact, it's down right creepy. Dido may want to hurt me if I leave her. Bruno, on the other hand, seems intent on causing himself grievous bodily injury. Let's look closer.
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,
Why were they open?
Ok, so we start off with...well apparently not a very equal relationship. Unrequited love party of one. Not too bad, but let's be honest, if your potential partner doesn't really care for you, the relationship isn't going to work too well. Still, there's hope...
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
Seriously, Bruno, this doesn't sound like a good relationship. She doesn't love you. Maybe you should just give up and move on...
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Wait WHAT?
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
WHAT?!
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
HOLD UP! Wait a minute, crazy boy. You just...you spent the first verse complaining that your significant other/crush isn't into you. And so to show her your love you're going to blow yourself up? I mean seriously, what about like, a nice dinner and maybe tickets to a show? Flowers? Why are we going straight to bodily mulitation and/or death. I mean Dido only locked someone up...this is moving a LITTLE to fast...maybe that's why she's not interested...
But you won't do the same
...Really? REALLY? The girl has already said she's not interested and you're upset that she's not going to CHOP OFF HER FREAKING HAND as an expression of love? Where did you learn how to court someone?
No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Ok, so you're possibly realizing she's not a good catch...mostly because she apparently beats you. This is good (the realization, not the domestic abuse part). We're moving on. Perhaps by the time we get to the second chorus you'll talk about how you're going to get coffee with her or something. Or better yet, breaking up/getting over the crush.
Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
WAIT WHAT? This isn't someone saying "sorry, I'm not dating." This is a woman who's actively trying to murder you! Take a hint man. Turning you down is one thing, trying to kill you really should be a deal breaker. And while I'm not all-knowing when it comes to relationships built on a desire to murder, I must say that when someone is actively attempting to whack you, committing suicide probably isn't going to win you your way into her heart.
Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said "Goodbye" and you were like "No way!" and then I was all "We pretended we were going to murder you"? That was great!
Anyway, then we go back to the chorus. More things about catching grenades and shooting himself and being all pissy that his crush isn't all into that sort of thing. I mean, really? Murder-suicide isn't something to build a relationship on. I mean, sure it "works" for some people, but it's usually not one person trying to murder the other before he commits suicide. Then, we get to the doozy of a bridge...
If my body was on fire, ooh
You’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me you're a liar
Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
Let's review. You've already maimed yourself with a military weapon, chopped off a limb, stepped in front of several tons of steel, been shot, endured hours of agony, and died (go with the last one, apparently he's a ghost or something at this point). All of this hasn't worked, so in one last effort to win her love you try self-immolation? Yeah, seriously man. Move on.
Then it's back to the chorus. Apparently he still has limbs to hack off, more bullets to take. And of course it ends with him complaining that the girl who's expressed she's not interested in him and attempted to kill him to make the point won't also...catch a grenade for him? Dido, eat your heart out.
Now let's all pause to remember that what I'm about to say is coming from the guy who pined over someone for two years, but seriously Bruno, you need to move on. Get over the girl and live your life. Because while I used to stalk visit my crush, I never went as far as committing bodily harm for love. There's nobody worth that.
And if you gentle readers still think this is vaguely romantic, remember it's only one tiny step from catching a grenade to autoerotic asphyxiation. And that's not something to build a relationship on either.
Welcome back, cats and kittens, to the All-True and Accurate Confessions of me! As you may or may not be aware, the Rapture did not actually happen on May 21st. Although, to be honest, since I'm convinced that anyone reading this blog wouldn't be Raptured anyway, it's not like it really matters.
Unfortunately, since the Rapture didn't happen, I had to put off my looting for another day. And it's sad, because I could totally use a PS3. And a new toaster. So instead of looting, I will recount for you all how I spent the non-Rapture Day Weekend! Most of this is taken from chat logs, status messages, and what I remember.
Friday, May 20 2011 8:00 AM: Alarm goes off. Snooze. Ponder why bothering to set the alarm at all if I'm never going to bother getting up.
9:04 AM: Get up. Get fresh. Get a bowl but don't have cereal. Do not meet my friends. Do not have a seat choosing dilemma. Pack suitcase for weekend back in the suburban exurban wasteland that is Connecticut.
10:11 AM: Leave for work.
11:00 AM: Arrive at work.
4:37 PM: Go to Starbucks. Woman in front of me pays for her Venti Triple Cappuccino with Whole Milk, Two Sweet n Lows, Extra Hot with her Amex Black card. Secretly wish I could touch said card. Then remember how hard it is to get a camel through the eye of a needle. Even with a wood chipper.
9:45 PM: Leave work to head to Grand Central. Think that leaving NYC is probably a good idea if the apocalypse was impending. People in cities never live too long.
9:46 PM: Curse that I didn't bring my field hockey stick with me. It's my zombie killing weapon of choice in case I'm ever ambushed in my apartment.
9:47 PM: Curse that I didn't bring extra underwear as well.
11:13 PM: Arrive back home in Connecticut. Check local time in Tonga. 2 hours and 13 minutes until 6:00 PM local time.
11:23 PM: Determine to stay up until 1:00 AM EST to see if the Rolling Rapture begins. Make a sandwich.
11:33 PM: Kill time on the internet. Surprisingly easy to do. Plan on using the lamp should a zombie attack.
Saturday, May 21
12:43 AM: 17 minutes! REPENT!
12:45 AM: 15 minutes! This is like New Year's...but without the alcohol
12:59 AM: Here we go!
1:05 AM: No earthquakes yet.
1:10 AM: This is the lamest Rapture ever. I'm starting to get annoyed that I didn't even get any Rapture sexytimes.
1:17 AM: If this thing doesn't start in 15 minutes, I'm calling shenanigans.
1:30 AM: Tonga's still there. At least according to CNN.
1:43 AM: Give up. Call it a night. Let's see what happens tomorrow.
8:15 AM: Wake up. Not Raptured. Unless Connecticut is heaven.
8:16 AM: Check CNN. Nothing to report. Note that the Doomsday story is no longer the lead story.
8:47 AM: 13 minutes until 6:00 PM in Jerusalem...our next big rapture checkpoint!
8:59 AM: 1 more minute...
9:01 AM: Seriously? That's it?
9:02 AM: Go to help with a yard sale. Sell things. Not sure how unloading various and sundry crap will help with the Rapture, but not like I have anything better to do.
12:30 PM: Lunch. Perhaps...the last lunch ever?
1:15 PM: Torrential downpour. Perhaps the beginning of the end?
1: 45 PM: Nope, it's sunny again.
4:30 PM: Get bored. Have some chips and salsa. Begin regretting lack of potential Rapture sexytimes in Connecticut.
5:55 PM: Begin 5 minute countdown!
5:59 PM: Regret not being near a Best Buy. By the time I get there, all the best looting will already be done.
6:00 PM: HAPPY RAPTURE DAY! Feel the urge to sing Auld Lang Syne.
6:02 PM: No earthquakes. Kind of let down. Decide to go watch the Preakness.
6:04 PM: Fall asleep on the couch. Miss the Preakness.
6:30 PM: Wake up. Regret lack of post-Rapture sexytime opportunities. Well, there's always 2012.
Welcome back to F***ed Up Friday, music for your emotional crisis. We've covered a lot of territory in these past few weeks. From creepy stalking behavior to late nights drinking alone to the lingering ache of the break up, we've been through a lot together. But never fear, there will always be music to truly capture your unique brand of emotional need.
Today's song is perfect for those of you who are champs at unrequited love. Recommended by my friend Daisy, who is second only to your intrepid hero in these one-sided relationships, today's F***ed Up Friday selection is "Matinee" by Hurts to Purr.
So calm. So unassuming. Just a girl going to the movies. Alone.
It’s a perfect day for a matinee The rain falling It’s a perfect day for a matinee And I’m calling in sick So I can lose myself in a dark room With two old ladies laughing when I do And the ushers are watching too It’s a perfect day for a matinee And I think I love you It’s a perfect day for a matinee And I’m hoping you love me too Hoping so hard that I need to escape And calm down my heart to a regular pace But I miss your hand on my knee What a wonderful way It’s a perfect day for a matinee And I leave the theater, it’s light out, it’s light out It’s a perfect day for a matinee And I’ll call you later, tell you what the movie was about And you’ll laugh and ask why I went alone And I’ll lie and say I thought everybody’d already seen that one But you would have gone You would have gone Oh you would have, you would have gone
If it's not clear from the lyrics, let's review. Girl. Likes a boy. But she goes to the movies. Alone. And all she does is think of the boy she's in love with. And when she finally calls him, what does she do? Does she cut the crap and tells him she loves him? NO. Does she invite him out to the movies? NO. She lies. The sad thing is, sometimes it's easier that way.
This is another one of those songs that clearly needs to be listened to over and over again for maximum effect. Preferably with wine. Better yet, go to a matinee. Then listen to this all day.
Then of course, deny everything. Including the crush. And remember, never make someone a priority if you're just an option.
As you all well know, gentle readers, according to 89-year-old Harold Camping, the world will be ending this Saturday, May 21st. Although Camping originally indicated that the world would end at 6:00pm local time, he has since backed away from that original claim and now indicates that he's not sure of the specific hour. Anyway, since there's so much confusion over the impending Rapture, I've prepared this little primer to help guide you through the most immediate concerns. Read on, cats and kittens, and discover the secrets of the apocalypse.
1. How did we get May 21, 2011 as the date of the Rapture?
The answer should be through math. However, based on my research, it's unclear what sort of math we're talking about here, and it's possible that dividing by zero is involved.
Here's the gist of Camping's calculation: He believes Christ was crucified on April 1, 33 A.D., exactly 722,500 days before May 21, 2011. That number, 722,500, is the square of 5 x 10 x 17. In Camping's numerological system, 5 represents atonement, 10 means completeness, and seventeen means heaven. "Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story," Camping said on his Oakland-based talk show, Family Radio, last year. "It's the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you're completely saved."
Alright...so...we're not sure where he got the 5, 10, and 17 from, but sure we'll go with that.
Wait, what's that you say? That's not how it works? This is how it works, according to the International Business Times:
He added 7,000 years to the great flood date of 4990 B.C. to determine the date of the next destruction of humanity.
That would put us in the approximate millennium but what about the day?
Camping relies on Genesis 7:11, explaining that the flood occurs "on the seventeenth day of the second month." Using the standard Hebrew Calendar this all makes for May 21, 2011.
Wait...the...how...seriously? We're not even sure how we got to this date and we're supposed to all just sort of go with it? I mean, if you're gonna predict the end of the world, can't you at least keep the numbers straight? Or is it gay numbers that got us into this mess in the first place?
2. What does the Bible say about the date of the Rapture?
Contrary to what you might have heard, the Bible does not give an exact date for the Rapture. But let's get the easy stuff out of the way first: The Old Testament contains 1,800 verses prophesy the Lord's return, and the New Testament adds another 300 to the mix.
As we should alway do, let's turn directly to the source. Note, all quotations are from the King James Bible, so translations may vary:
"Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my father only." - Matthew 24:35-36
"But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you. For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night." - 1 Thess 5:1-2
"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." - 2 Peter 3:10
So it goes pretty much without saying that the day of the Lord's coming isn't something that can be pinned down. In fact, at least according to Matthew, not even Jesus himself knows the day. And a thief in the night certainly isn't going to tell you the day or the time he's going to rob you.
I still want to know how she stole the Great Wall of China like a thief in the night.
3. What is this Rapture anyway and what are my chances of being Raptured? "For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord." - 1 Thess 4: 16-17.
Basically, according to the Bible, upon the Lord's coming, the faithful, both the living and the dead, will be carried up into heaven. That's it. Those few verses are the basis for all of this. And the Left Behind series. All of it. 2 verses.
Anyway, according to Camping, 200 million "good Christians" will be Raptured. Now let's go with that number for a minute. 200 million. Now look back at the Bible. And back at the number. 200 million good Christians. Alive and dead. Total. Of all the humans who have lived in the entire span of history, 200 million. Yeah. Your chances are small. And even if we limit to just the last 2000 years, your chances are still small. Even smaller if you're not, say, Christian.
But as a disclaimer, that 200 million number isn't anywhere in the Bible. Just like we're not sure where he got the whole 5x10x17 thing. It's not in there. I looked.
This is the very first result in a Google image search for "Good Christian." Take that as you will.
4. What does the Bible say about "prophecies" that don't come true?
Self, that's a very good question. The Bible is quite specific on issues of prophecy and false prophets.
"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him." - Deu 18:22
Camping predicted the Rapture in 1994. He claimed it didn't come to pass because of a mathematical error. Given that, at least according to the Bible, if a prophet prophecies and it does not come to pass, he's a false prophet. . .
5. Talking about the end of the world is fun! Is there a good word for it?
Yes. Eschatology: The study of the end of the world And your conversations are thus, eschatalogical discussions. It's a great word and should be used quite frequently. I suggest using it a lot on May 20.
