In Which Our Hero Recounts His Rapture Adventures

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to the All-True and Accurate Confessions of me!  As you may or may not be aware, the Rapture did not actually happen on May 21st.  Although, to be honest, since I'm convinced that anyone reading this blog wouldn't be Raptured anyway, it's not like it really matters.


Unfortunately, since the Rapture didn't happen, I had to put off my looting for another day.  And it's sad, because I could totally use a PS3.  And a new toaster.  So instead of looting, I will recount for you all how I spent the non-Rapture Day Weekend!  Most of this is taken from chat logs, status messages, and what I remember.

Friday, May 20 2011
 8:00 AM:  Alarm goes off.  Snooze.  Ponder why bothering to set the alarm at all if I'm never going to bother getting up.

9:04 AM:  Get up.  Get fresh.  Get a bowl but don't have cereal.  Do not meet my friends.  Do not have a seat choosing dilemma.  Pack suitcase for weekend back in the suburban exurban wasteland that is Connecticut.

10:11 AM:  Leave for work.
11:00 AM:  Arrive at work.
4:37 PM:  Go to Starbucks.  Woman in front of me pays for her Venti Triple Cappuccino with Whole Milk, Two Sweet n Lows, Extra Hot with her Amex Black card.  Secretly wish I could touch said card.  Then remember how hard it is to get a camel through the eye of a needle.  Even with a wood chipper.
9:45 PM:  Leave work to head to Grand Central.  Think that leaving NYC is probably a good idea if the apocalypse was impending.  People in cities never live too long.
9:46 PM:  Curse that I didn't bring my field hockey stick with me.  It's my zombie killing weapon of choice in case I'm ever ambushed in my apartment.
9:47 PM:  Curse that I didn't bring extra underwear as well.
11:13 PM:  Arrive back home in Connecticut.  Check local time in Tonga.  2 hours and 13 minutes until 6:00 PM local time.
11:23 PM:  Determine to stay up until 1:00 AM EST to see if the Rolling Rapture begins.  Make a sandwich.
11:33 PM:  Kill time on the internet.  Surprisingly easy to do.  Plan on using the lamp should a zombie attack.


Saturday, May 21
12:43 AM:  17 minutes!  REPENT!
12:45 AM:  15 minutes!  This is like New Year's...but without the alcohol
12:59 AM:  Here we go!
1:05 AM:  No earthquakes yet.
1:10 AM:  This is the lamest Rapture ever.  I'm starting to get annoyed that I didn't even get any Rapture sexytimes.
1:17 AM:  If this thing doesn't start in 15 minutes, I'm calling shenanigans.
1:30 AM:  Tonga's still there.  At least according to CNN.
1:43 AM:  Give up.  Call it a night.  Let's see what happens tomorrow.
8:15 AM:  Wake up.  Not Raptured.  Unless Connecticut is heaven.
8:16 AM:  Check CNN.  Nothing to report.  Note that the Doomsday story is no longer the lead story.
8:47 AM:  13 minutes until 6:00 PM in Jerusalem...our next big rapture checkpoint!
8:59 AM:  1 more minute...
9:01 AM:  Seriously?  That's it?
9:02 AM:  Go to help with a yard sale.  Sell things.  Not sure how unloading various and sundry crap will help with the Rapture, but not like I have anything better to do.
12:30 PM:  Lunch.  Perhaps...the last lunch ever?
1:15 PM:  Torrential downpour.  Perhaps the beginning of the end?
1: 45 PM:  Nope, it's sunny again.
4:30 PM:  Get bored.  Have some chips and salsa.  Begin regretting lack of potential Rapture sexytimes in Connecticut.
5:55 PM:  Begin 5 minute countdown!
5:59 PM:  Regret not being near a Best Buy.  By the time I get there, all the best looting will already be done.
6:00 PM:  HAPPY RAPTURE DAY!  Feel the urge to sing Auld Lang Syne.
6:02 PM:  No earthquakes.  Kind of let down.  Decide to go watch the Preakness.
6:04 PM:  Fall asleep on the couch.  Miss the Preakness.
6:30 PM:  Wake up.  Regret lack of post-Rapture sexytime opportunities.  Well, there's always 2012.

In Which Our Hero Discusses the Rapture

As you all well know, gentle readers, according to 89-year-old Harold Camping, the world will be ending this Saturday, May 21st.  Although Camping originally indicated that the world would end at 6:00pm local time, he has since backed away from that original claim and now indicates that he's not sure of the specific hour.  Anyway, since there's so much confusion over the impending Rapture, I've prepared this little primer to help guide you through the most immediate concerns.  Read on, cats and kittens, and discover the secrets of the apocalypse.

1.  How did we get May 21, 2011 as the date of the Rapture?
The answer should be through math.  However, based on my research, it's unclear what sort of math we're talking about here, and it's possible that dividing by zero is involved.

Here's the math, reported by Yahoo:

Here's the gist of Camping's calculation: He believes Christ was crucified on April 1, 33 A.D., exactly 722,500 days before May 21, 2011. That number, 722,500, is the square of 5 x 10 x 17. In Camping's numerological system, 5 represents atonement, 10 means completeness, and seventeen means heaven. "Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story," Camping said on his Oakland-based talk show, Family Radio, last year. "It's the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you're completely saved."


Alright...so...we're not sure where he got the 5, 10, and 17 from, but sure we'll go with that.


Wait, what's that you say?  That's not how it works?  This is how it works, according to the International Business Times:


He added 7,000 years to the great flood date of 4990 B.C. to determine the date of the next destruction of humanity.

That would put us in the approximate millennium  but what about the day? 

Camping relies on  Genesis 7:11, explaining that the flood occurs "on the seventeenth day of the second month." Using the standard Hebrew Calendar this all makes for May 21, 2011.

Wait...the...how...seriously?  We're not even sure how we got to this date and we're supposed to all just sort of go with it?  I mean, if you're gonna predict the end of the world, can't you at least keep the numbers straight?  Or is it gay numbers that got us into this mess in the first place?

2.  What does the Bible say about the date of the Rapture?
Contrary to what you might have heard, the Bible does not give an exact date for the Rapture.  But let's get the easy stuff out of the way first:  The Old Testament contains 1,800 verses prophesy the Lord's return, and the New Testament adds another 300 to the mix.

As we should alway do, let's turn directly to the source.  Note, all quotations are from the King James Bible, so translations may vary:

"Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.  But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my father only." - Matthew 24:35-36

"But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you.  For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night." - 1 Thess 5:1-2

"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." - 2 Peter 3:10

So it goes pretty much without saying that the day of the Lord's coming isn't something that can be pinned down.  In fact, at least according to Matthew, not even Jesus himself knows the day.  And a thief in the night certainly isn't going to tell you the day or the time he's going to rob you.

I still want to know how she stole the Great Wall of China like a thief in the night.

3.  What is this Rapture anyway and what are my chances of being Raptured?
"For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:  Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord." - 1 Thess 4: 16-17.

Basically, according to the Bible, upon the Lord's coming, the faithful, both the living and the dead, will be carried up into heaven.  That's it.  Those few verses are the basis for all of this.  And the Left Behind series.  All of it.  2 verses.

Anyway, according to Camping, 200 million "good Christians" will be Raptured.  Now let's go with that number for a minute.  200 million.  Now look back at the Bible.  And back at the number.  200 million good Christians.  Alive and dead.  Total.  Of all the humans who have lived in the entire span of history, 200 million.  Yeah.  Your chances are small.  And even if we limit to just the last 2000 years, your chances are still small.  Even smaller if you're not, say, Christian.

But as a disclaimer, that 200 million number isn't anywhere in the Bible.  Just like we're not sure where he got the whole 5x10x17 thing.  It's not in there.  I looked.

This is the very first result in a Google image search for "Good Christian."  Take that as you will.

4.  What does the Bible say about "prophecies" that don't come true?
Self, that's a very good question.  The Bible is quite specific on issues of prophecy and false prophets.

"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously:  thou shalt not be afraid of him." - Deu 18:22

Camping predicted the Rapture in 1994.  He claimed it didn't come to pass because of a mathematical error.  Given that, at least according to the Bible, if a prophet prophecies and it does not come to pass, he's a false prophet. . .

5.  Talking about the end of the world is fun!  Is there a good word for it?
Yes.  Eschatology:  The study of the end of the world  And your conversations are thus, eschatalogical discussions.  It's a great word and should be used quite frequently.  I suggest using it a lot on May 20.