In Which Our Hero Wraps Up Eurovision 2011

Well, cats and kittens, another edition of the Eurovision Song Contest is behind us, and what a long strange trip it's been.  From fake boy bands from the UK to Irish twins to Greek rappers, this year's contest has truly memorable.  Here's your intrepid hero's recap, thoughts, comments, and lessons we've learned.  And as always, there's plenty of videos.

No story about Eurovision 2011 can start without talking about the surprise winner.  In the weeks leading up to the competition, betting odds favored France, with the UK and Estonia playing spoiler.  Then, suddenly, along came the Crayola Twins from Ireland, Jedward, rocketing up to second place just behind the UK.  As of the morning of the Grand Finale, at least according to the bookies, the competition was between Blue and Jedward. Then what happened?  Jedward came in at 8th, Blue dropped to 11th, France came in at 15th, and Estonia tumbled down to 24th.  And our winner...Azerbaijan!! (??)  Here's your winner:  Ell & Nikki performing "Running Scared":

So what happened?  First and foremost, I'll go on record to say that the first time I heard this song, I thought it was nice, but nothing super special.  But as I've listened to it more and more, it's grown on me, a lot.  It's catchy, it's pretty, and they staged it well.

But a closer look at the points reveals something.

[A note on Eurovision voting for those not in the know:  Each country votes on their favorite act, although a country cannot vote for itself.  The votes are  combined with a score from a panel of jurists from each country, and the highest scorer receives 12 points ("douze pointe" in French).  The next highest scorer gets 10, 8, etc....]

Azerbaijan only got 12 pwah pointe from three countries.  Four other acts, including Jedward, got three douze pwahs, Italy took home four, and Bosnia took home five.  This certainly wasn't the runaway of "Fairytale" from 2009, but even Lena last year captured nine douze pwahs.  Russia in 2008 captured seven, and Serbia in 2007 also took nine.  So what gives?

Azerbaijan captured four 10s and and ten 8s.  Comparatively, second place Italy took home five 10s and only one 8.  Bosnia only took two 10s and one 8, while third place Sweden complemented its two douze pwahs with seven 10s.  Jedward on the other hand, only took two 10s, and in fact, only scored points from 17 countries.  Azerbaijan scored points from 30 countries.

So it may not necessarily be that Azerbaijan, as nice as the song was, was everyone's clear favorite.  It's just that enough people liked it enough to win.  And while Jedward has the same number of high scores as Azerbaijan, it seemed more of a love it or hate it thing.  And that was probably their downfall.

So what else did we learn from Eurovision 2011?

1.  Celine Dion has returned to the Eurovision stage again.  Oh wait, no, it's just Kati Wolf from Hungary.  Our mistake.

Seriously, it's kind of creepy.  The way she holds the mic, the hair, the voice, the lip quiver.  Kati Wolf to Vegas?

We also believe she was robbed.  She deserved higher than 22nd.  She at least deserved higher than Finland.

2.  Azerbaijan turned it out.  Blue didn't.
Say what you will about Ell & Nikki.  They hit their performance.  Blue on the other hand...it was...actually kind of sad, really.

Maybe had the vocals been there, perhaps it could have done better.  Instead it just sounded like a mediocre song by a boy band that's gotten a little too old for that title.  Oh wait...

3.  Iceland perhaps had the best story that nobody knows
If you watched Iceland's performance, you'd probably be thinking, "What is this on my screen?"  But the story behind the performance is perhaps one of the most sadly under-reported story of the competition.  In January, Sigurjon "Sjonni" Brink passed away mere days before he was to perform this song in the Iceland national selection finals.  So his friends did what any group would do.  They scrambled together and decided to perform the song in Sjonni's honor.  They won in Iceland and placed 20th overall in Germany.

4.  Lena's a badass.  Seriously.
Lena won handily last year with "Satellite," in the second largest margin of victory ever.  She was 18 at the time.

She returned this year to compete again.  And pulled out one hell of a performance, placing 10th overall.  We look forward to seeing if she'll try to win again in the future, but even if she doesn't, "Taken By a Stranger" will remain one of the best songs from 2011.

5.  Dana International got a raw deal
Finally, speaking of former winners and being robbed, Dana International at least deserved to make it out of the semi-final.  It's a shame really, that Jedward and Eric Saade made it through the second semi-final, leaving her behind.  Especially Jedward.

Seriously.  Here's the live version if there's any doubt left in your mind.

And really, that brings us to the end.  There's more videos to talk about, to be sure, but at some point we have to draw a line.  At least for now.  Who knows?  Perhaps there will be more commentary to come.  Feel free to drop a comment with your own favorite songs, thoughts, or comments.

But for now, I'll sign off from Eurovision 2011 in the only appropriate way.  With Moldova.

F***ed Up Friday Eurovision Edition: "Unsubstantial Blues" by Magdi Ruzsa

Note:  Blogger was down most of the day.  I apologize for the delay in posting.

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to F***ed up Friday, where we strive to find the best songs to deal with (or drive) your emotional crises.  Today, we have a very special Eurovision edition.

Now you may be thinking, haven't we spent the last week talking about how Eurovision is one big collection of drag queens, glitter, crazy costumes, Finish heavy metal, and post-colonial passive aggressiveness?  How on earth can ABBA help with my emotional development?

Presenting 2007's competitor from Hungary, Magdi Ruzsa.  Who?  Quickly, to the wikis!  Sometimes called the Hungarian version of Janis Joplin (hmmmmm....potential FUF there), Ruzsa was discovered in 2005 by winning the Hungarian version of American Hungarian Idol.  She then went on to compete for Hungary in Eurovision in 2007, where she placed 9th overall (the highest placing for Hungary ever) and won the 2007 award for best songwriter.

From the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest, this week's selection is "Unsubstantial Blues" by Hungary's Magdi Ruzsa.

Now if you've been cheated on, you can stop right now.  Crack open a bottle of wine and put this song on repeat.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.  If you have effigies to burn, that's even better.

For those of us who haven't been cheated on (if you're the cheater, stop reading right now and don't come back), "Unsubstantial Blues" should still find its way into your emotional roller coaster playlist.  Let's take a closer look.

How many times have you fooled me and denied that

It's her who you love, and it sure isn't me?

So now that it's over, I'll try and take it sober

Leave questions unasked, remember us laughing at the broken past

God, if I could make it on without you

You're such a casual man, oh, wavin' an empty hand

I'm helpless and I'm lonely without you

Yes, you're a casual man, lendin' an empty hand

Left me breathless with nothing more to lose

I used to dream we'd take it nice and easy

Get jobs, settle down in Jameson Town

If now you could see me, you'd think twice about leaving

You said forever is the time you gonna spend around

So why did you leave me?

And why should I believe it?

You say goodbye

Oh, why, oh... why you leave me?

Said, why?

You're such a casual man, oh, wavin' an empty hand

I'm helpless and I'm lonely without you

You're such a casual man, lendin' an empty hand

Left me breathless with nothing more to lose

Casual man, lendin' an empty hand

Left me breathless with nothing more to lose

Except an evanescent unsubstantial blues

So whether you've been cheated on, broken up with, or just realized that things aren't going to work out...this song speaks to your broken heart.  It shifts seamlessly from dreams to heart broken reality, from finding those moments of strength ("If now you could see me, you'd think twice of leaving") to those moments of pure pain ("I'm helpless and I'm lonely without you").  It goes from acceptance to questioning and back again.  And in the end, she captures the true essence of what FUF is here to help you deal with...that feeling not of anger or of hurt...just just an evanescent unsubstantial blues.

As a bonus, here is the live version from Eurovision 2007:

In Which Our Hero Notes the Most Compelling Eurovision 2011 Storylines

Well, today's the day, cats and ktitens.  The first semifinal of Eurovision 2011 will begin in a few hours and we can't be more excited.  And so without further ado, we present two of most compelling story lines from this year's competition and then what you really came for.

1.  The Return of Dana International

While many contestants have attempted to win Eurovision more than once, only Johnny Logan from Ireland has actually succeeded.  Two former winners will attempt the feat this year.  First is Germany's Lena, who, if she won, would be the first back to back winner.

However, the more compelling storyline may be Israel's Dana International, who won a very tight three way race in 1998 with her song "Diva."

Dana is arguably one of the most famous transsexual celebrities in the world.  When she was selected to represent Israel in 1998, many Orthodox Jews and other conservative groups attempted to void her participation.  Upon winning, Dana commented "My victory proves God is on my side. I want to send my critics a message of forgiveness and say to them: try to accept me and the kind of life I lead. I am what I am and this does not mean I don't believe in God, and I am part of the Jewish Nation."

2.  The End of the Big Four Curse

One of the critiques of Eurovision has traditionally been the problem of bloc voting; that is, countries that are politically aligned or share similar cultures will vote for each other, regardless of talent.  Since each country's vote is weighed the same, the largest countries (also known as "The Big Four/Five"), namely France, the UK, Germany, Spain, and Italy (recently added), were unable to garner enough votes to secure victories.

Recently, Eurovision has introduced a jury system designed to arguably limit the effects of bloc voting.  And perhaps it seems to be working.  Germany's Lena won last year, the first Big Four/Five winner since 1997.  And current betting odds (yes, you can bet on the Eurovision outcome) shows the most likely winner to be France, followed closely by the UK.

And that's enough for the stories.  You've really come here for the music, so let's take a look at some of this year's entries.

"Corobon" - Nina (Serbia)

We're a fan of the 60s vibe.  While it may not be Lordi, it's certainly fun.

"Popular" - Eric Saade (Sweden)

We didn't realize that Justin Bieber was competing.  Then again, if this means The Bieb will be staying in Europe and not returning to our side of the pond for a while, we approve.

"Rockefeller Street" - Getter Jaani (Estonia)

The song most likely to crash the UK/France fight for first.  It's catchy and it could have just enough girls, glitter, and pyrotechnics to send Blue packing.

"Lipstick" - Jedward (Ireland)

Every time I get a little faith in humanity, things like this happen.  And that's all I'm going to say about it.

"Sognu" - Amaury Vassilli (France)

The favorite to win.  Whether or not you're an opera fan, you've gotta be amazed...the kid's only 21.

And finally...

"In Love For a While" - Anna Rossinelli (Switzerland)

One of our hero's personal favorites.  It's one of those songs that just makes you feel happy.

You can check out all of the participant profiles and videos here.  Enjoy!

In Which Our Hero Introduces You to Eurovision

This originally appeared in the Georgetown Law Weekly and was written by my friend Nicky and I.


If you’re craving fabulous costumes, cheesy Europop, incredibly high heels, overdone drag queens, and ridiculously choreographed performances, you don’t have to wait for the High Heel Race in October or even the Republican Convention. Instead, tune into the Eurovision Song Contest this May.

The format of Eurovision is simple. Each country that is part of the European Broadcasting Union submits one song to be performed live and then casts votes to determine the winner. Think of it as the American Idol of Europe, but without Paula Abdul. The contest has been broadcasted every year since 1956, making it one of the longest running television broadcasts in history.

Of course, you may be thinking, “Why Eurovision? I can get all I want from American Idol and I can even TiVo through Paula.” However, a simple side by side comparison will demonstrate Eurovision’s utter domination of its American fanny-packed counterpart.

First and foremost, Eurovision is not just a song contest; it is also a tool of diplomacy. After all, in the aggregate, it’s better for European countries to express their national pride through craptacular music instead of, oh say, war. To paraphrase Eisenhower, the best response to war is a big bunch of peace with a healthy dollop of ill advised mulletry, bell bottoms, Swedish thrash metal and incoherent warbling in multiple languages.

There are also pirates!  "Wolves of the Sea" from Latvia (2008)

Occasionally the unbridled diplopop becomes too much for the participants to bear, and in the heat of the 'nul point' moment, certain countries have been known to install a technological blockade (as in, cut the feed). See e.g. Jordan cutting the cable when Israel was up a few bedazzler points in 1978 (when Israel won, Jordan reported that Belgium had taken the “prize”).

Second, while your gay, and apparently tone deaf, friends may swoon at such Idol competitors as Kelly Clarkson and Chris Daughtry, even they must admit that these poptastic wannabes cannot hold a hetero-flexible candle to the fabulousity of Eurovision winners Celine Dion and ABBA.

Not to mention 2006 winner, Lordi (Finland)

Additionally, while we may wish and pray that singers on American Idol simply sing instead of dance (or rather flail around as most are wont to do), Eurovision is based on pageantry. Fierce costumes (which more often than not venture into the realm of tranny hot mess), garish sets, swooping camera angles (all “expertly” choreographed), and tort-tastic pyrotechnics are the norm. In fact, while ear plugs are recommended, they are not required, and some of the competitors can actually belt out a tune.

Ireland tried to win with a singing turkey in 2008

Some may argue that nothing can come close to the drama of American Idol voting (witness, for example, the sheer outrage after Jennifer Hudson’s early exit in Season 3). But, again, we Americans have nothing on our formal imperial overlords. In Eurovision, each country votes independently, awarding 12 points to the winner of its own popular vote. Of course, this means that Malta has the same say as Germany, with expected results.

And then there’s the dilemma of bloc voting, with politically aligned countries accused of voting for each other regardless of the musical “talent” of the act, causing rich countries to argue that despite giving the most money to the competition (namely the “Big Four”: The UK, France, Spain, and Germany), they have no chance of winning (of course, one wonders why the UK even thought they could do well with a song, “Flying the Flag (For You)” by Scooch that featured vague sexual references in airline safety announcements: “Blow into the tube. . .We wish you a pleasurable flight”).

Apparently nobody wanted the French hippie on a golf cart to win in 2008

Finally, because of post-colonial guilt, certain countries feel the need to give their votes to their minion countries (such as the UK to Ireland). However, in the truest sense of sticking it to the man, these little countries don’t return the favor. And what’s at stake? The winning country gets to host next year’s Eurovision, giving them loads of tourism revenue! Perhaps the voters are really voting for where they want to take their next vacation. . .

Of course, no competition is complete without commentary (remember Mike O’Malley on GUTS), and nobody is better than acerbic Brit Terry Wogan, who puts his Idol counterpart Simon to shame. After all, while Simon may call someone the worst singer in the world, Terry goes above and beyond that, calling fellow contest officials idiots and really just mocking the entire thing (he’s been banned for Denmark since apparently the Danes don’t share his sense of humor after he called the Danish hosts of one show “Dr. Death and the Tooth Fairy”). Chris Tarrant, another British television host, noted “Terry Wogan's commentary is why any sane person would choose to watch the Eurovision.” In fact, it’s the best reason to watch Eurovision.

Editor's note:  The following content is new and never seen before!


So what can we expect from this year’s show?  With Eurovision it's hard to tell what will happen.  In 2006, Lordi jumped into the winner's circle with "Hard Rock Hallelujiah."  The following year Serbia's Marija Serifovic’s upset heavily-favored Ukrainian drag queen Verka Serduchka (only when talking about Eurovision can you legitimately use the phrase “heavily-favored Ukrainian drag queen").  

Heavily favored Ukranian drag queen Verka Serduchka

Russia captured the crown in 2008 with a piece featuring an Olympic figure skating gold medalist prancing around on stage.  Norway took the crown in 2009 with a fiddle player, and Germany finally broke the Big 4 curse in 2010.  Will there be another ABBA? We don’t know. But we can guarantee that the heels will be high, the lyrics will be cheesy, and Terry Wogan will be as cynical as ever!


You can catch all the action by streaming online at www.eurovision.tv!  Enjoy the show and stay tuned to The All-True and Accurate Confessions, as we bring you a more in depth preview of this year's competition, as well as a special Eurovision F***ed Up Friday!

F***ed Up Friday: "Putting the Damage On" by Tori Amos

Welcome back to F***ed Up Fridays, were your intrepid hero will
provide you will all the songs you need to deal with your
relationships (or lack thereof) and other emotional crises that
inevitably crop up in your search for love and/or sexytimes.

Today’s selection is the perfect song for when you don’t necessarily
want to be happy, but you haven’t quite descended into cutting your
wrist territory yet.  Much like Dido, who kicked off this weekly
adventure, this week’s artist will likely also grace us with her
presence many times.

From her 1996 album "Boys For Pele," this week's selection is "Putting the Damage On" by Tori Amos:

As Tori herself stated, when discussing PTDO, "And of course Damage
speaks for itself. The song, being herself damaged, it's trying to
teach myself about graciousness, and I have such a hard time with
that. I have a very hard time. Damage was so essential for me to sing,
it's one of the most difficult ones for me. I can look and have love
and feelings for some of these people but... "  (Statement from the
B-Sides)

This perhaps is one of the best songs ever for the sad sad single.
It’s the song that just captures your feelings, the way that your
crush will just take your heart and rip it to shreds, sometimes
without even knowing it.  And even though you know they’re bad news,
they still look pretty as they’re putting the damage on.

In many ways, though, PTDO isn’t just about the song.  It’s the
experience of listening to the song that’s most important.  And as I
may have spent many an hour listening to this song, including during
the saga of the Super Cute Bartender (see….), I am an expert when it
comes to it.  So without further ado, here are the most important
things to know when it comes to truly experiencing PTDO.

Step 1:  You must be alone.
This is not the type of song that you can listen to with others
around.  You must be alone, consumed in your own thoughts, pining over
the person who you want to get out of your head, but all you can think
about is how you have tickets to their show, but they don’t seem to
care.  In fact, this song is most appropriately listened to when
you’re alone just after having interacted with the object of your
affection.  Or bitched, whined, moaned and complained about the object
of your affection to someone else, they've told you to get over it,
you agree, and then you immediately go back to pining.  Alone.

The answer to Ann's eternal question:  PTDO

Step 2:  You must be under the effects of some substance
Whether you’re just in from drinking because you have the hots for a
bartender or you were out on the town with your friends because you
need to get over your crush, this song is not for the sober.  In fact,
the most ideal time to listen to the song is when you’re alone (see
step 1) and you’ve opened up a bottle of wine just for yourself.
Bonus points if you’re drinking straight out of the bottle.  Hard
liquor also works well here.

And for those of you who do not drink, not to worry.  Our good friends
Ben & Jerry or just plain old chocolate will do the trick.  So will
some greasy take out.  Basically, the point here is that you must be
eating or drinking your feelings in some way.  And if you’re some
crazy vegan pinko hippie who can’t do any of this, well, you have more
problems than wishing for your best impression of your best Angie
Dickinson.

Lifetime:  Television for Women and Fags
If it's appropriate for watching one of these, it's appropriate for PTDO.

Step 3:  You must be in the dark
This is most easily accomplished if it’s late at night after some
tryst at a bar (preferably where you encountered/stalked your crush).
However, if the evil daystar is still up, don’t worry.  Take a cue
from Dido and close the blinds and shut the door.  Don’t even light a
candle.  Just sit there in the dark.  Alone.

Step 4:  Put aside at least 30 minutes
PTDO isn’t the kind of song you just listen to once.  Oh no, gentle
readers.  This is the type of song that you put on repeat.  And you
listen to it over and over and over.  We’re talking listening to it to
the point that you’re not 100% sure where in the song you are since
it’s just kind of all blending together.  Now while having some form
of automatic repeat is good, the true PTDO experience comes from
listening to the song and then manually starting it over again.

Step 5:  Wallow
That’s right.  Let the self pity come out.  Just close your eyes and
think of how pretty they are, and how they constantly just put the
damage on.  Then listen to it again and again and again.

Step 6:  Denial
If anyone asks, you’ve never spent an hour listening to PTDO while
thinking about your crush.  In fact, that crush.  Totally over it.  It
wasn’t even a REAL crush at all.  Just a silly infatuation.

It really is a river in Egypt!

If you don’t have this handy guide, just remember this rule of thumb:
If there is anything getting in the way of your PTDO pity party,
you’re doing it wrong.

Stay tuned next week when we bring you another song for your emotional
needs.  Have a suggestion?  Let me know.

In Which Our Intrepid Hero Learns That a Fake Boy Band Is Actually Real

As you all know, Eurovision is less than two weeks away.  While I am planning on posting an entire Eurovision preview, including a full introduction to Eurovision for the unenlightened masses among you, in conducting my research, I came upon a little bit of information that I just had to share.

So, remember Bill Nighy's storyline in Love, Actually?  The washed up rocker, Billy Mack, is attempting to make a comeback by securing the number one Christmas single.  He then realizes that his hetero-life mate is his fat manager, Joe, but that's besides the point.  All that stands between Billy and his dream is a crappy little boy band called Blue.  Here's the scene in case you forgot.

For those of you looking for the full scene, including subtitles in a random language, you can see it all here:
http://youtu.be/c2mVtSyRcA8

So I laughed at the scene and then promptly forgot about Blue entirely.  Until I found out...not only is Blue a real group...but it's competing for the United Kingdom in Eurovision 2011...and the odds of Blue winning are 6:1, only behind current favorite France's 5:1.  That's right!  Blue, of Love, Actually fame exists!

So in honor of Blue's attempt to join the ranks of Lordi, ABBA, Celine Dion, and Katrina and the Waves as Eurovision winners, I present to you why, despite what Love, Actually tells you, Blue the boy band is neither made up of boys, nor a band.

1.  There is no "boy" in this boy band

So look, let's be honest here.  Blue is really just NSync with a token black guy.

You're white, Justin.  Just deal with it.

But let's look at their ages.  The three white guys are 27, 29, and 33, and the token rounds out the group at 32.  That is an average age of 30.25 years.  That's not boy band.  I wouldn't call them a man band, but they're certainly not boy band.

2.  They've all been around the block a few times

I'm not one to argue that one shouldn't have all the sexytimes that one can get.  In fact, part of the appeal of the entire boy band genre is that they're SOOOOOO HOT and you want to have tons of sexytimes with them.  Now when it's 13 year old girls fawning over prepubescent boys, it's a little creepy, but still, in general, it's fine.

Now the fact that the members of Blue have had sexytimes isn't a problem.  Hell, without Justin's sexytimes, we wouldn't have been graced with either "Cry Me a River" or "Toxic."  And where would New York F-List "A-List" star Reichen be if he wasn't Lance Bass's leftovers?  But see, unlike JT, who did the dirty with Brit Brit and then moved on, each one of them impregnated some floozy.  That's right...each and every member of Blue is a baby daddy!  That just...doesn't seem to quite fit the whole boy band vibe.

3.  Their scandals just aren't that good

So close your eyes and think about all the scandals of NSync.  We've got the aforementioned JT/Brit Brit tryst.  And then there was the shocking news that Lance Bass was a friend of Dorothy!

In other news, water is wet

What scandals does Blue have?  Well...Token really doesn't have any.  White guy #1 met his baby momma on Myspace.  I suppose that could be scandalous.  Oh, white guy #2 is apparently bisexual.

Shocking new development:  Pope is Catholic!

So it's up to you white guy #3 to bring us the scandal that all boy bands need.  A quick search of Wiki shows us that...you posed nude for a magazine!  Finally!  A scandal for the ages...except, oh wait...it was Cosmo?  Really?  REALLY?  That's your scandal?!  You took your clothes off for the same magazine Scott freaking Brown posed "nude" for?

Wait you said you have more scandals for us?  Oh do tell!  There are pictures of you doing something scandalous in public you say?  Sexytimes?  Snorting coke?  Urinating...urinating...seriously?  Your scandal is that someone took a picture of you when you couldn't find a port-a-potty?  I'm shocked.  Shocked I say!

Sigh...

Needless to say, none of them play their own instruments.  It's unclear if any of them even know what an instrument is.

So there you have it folks.  Welcome to England, where the boy band members are old, baby daddies, and can't even have a decent scandal.  Well, I hear Brit Brit is looking for a way to make it big again but I'm sure even she has standards.

In closing, I have two videos for your viewing pleasure.  First, Blue's attempt to take the Eurovision crown.

Second, a previous boy band's attempt to win it all.  By point of comparison, the average age of D'Nash when they competed in Eurovision 2007 was 24.5, and at least according to Wiki, they were the first Spanish boy band ever.

And stay tuned for our intrepid hero's full preview of Eurovision 2011.

F***ed Up Friday: "Don't Leave Home" by Dido

Welcome to F***ed up Friday.  In this (soon to be) weekly segment, I shall be providing you with the music you need to handle whatever emotional crisis you may be facing.  Whether you’re single or in a relationship, this will be your guide to navigating the myriad songs bombarding you and help you find that perfect tune to fit your mood.

Our inaugural song on FUF goes to a likely regular, Dido.

Don't let the sweet smile food you.  She WILL cut you.

Now I must start by stating that I have never met Dido in person.  From my understanding, she is happily married and is, in fact, with child (I was originally going to use the word “impregnated” but I felt that that just sounds like the result of an alien abduction).  However, I have an irrational completely rational fear that one day, Dido is going to break into my apartment, cut me with a razor, and leave me bleeding on my hardwood floor (which will likely mean I don’t get my security deposit back should I survive said cutting).  How do I know this?  Because I listen to Dido’s music.

Our selection today is from Dido’s 2003 album “Life for Rent”:  “Don’t Leave Home.”

At first glance, this sounds like quite a romantic song.  After all, with lyrics such as “If you’re cold, I’ll keep you warm/If you’re low, just hold on/’Cause I will be your safety” in the chorus, this sounds more like the ideal first dance song than a song for FUF.  HA!  Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Verse the First:

Like a ghost don’t need a key

Your best friend I’ve come to be

Please don’t think of getting up for me

You don’t even need to speak

Ok, a little creepy, but nothing too crazy yet.  The whole “I’ll just come over whenever I want…shhhhh don’t say anything” smacks of some potential desperation and/or cray cray, but really, there’s worse out there.

When I’ve been here for just one day

You’ll already miss me if I go away

Getting creepy. . .Perhaps it’s time to start moving towards the door. . .wait…why is the door not opening?  Because. . .

So close the blinds and shut the door

You won’t need other friends anymore

Oh don’t leave home

Oh don’t leave home

WAIT WHAT?!  Did she just…how did we go from romantic if slightly cray cray Dido to full out Kathy-Bates-in-Misery?  We have officially entered stalkerville.  This isn’t healthy.  She’s literally telling her lover “I will cut you off from the rest of the world and you’ll like it.  And don’t even try to think of escaping.”  It’s only a hop skip and a jump from “Close the blinds and shut the door” to “I will cut you if you try to leave me.”

Note…I have an urge to remix this song, except right after the line “shut the door,” I want the sound of a lock turning.  You know, a nice ka-chunk.  Can anyone do that for me?

The Chorus:

If you’re cold, I’ll keep you warm

And if you’re low, just hold on

‘Cause I will be your safety

Oh don’t leave home

Not so romantic now is it?  No…it’s the words of a crazy person who’s locked you in her house and will cut you should you try to leave.

Verse the Second:

I arrived when you were weak

I’ll make you weaker like a child

Now all your love you give to me

When your heart is all I need

Oh don’t leave home

Oh don’t leave home

Wait…isn’t love supposed to make us stronger.  Lift us up where we belong, where eagles fly and all that jazz.  Not when you’re in a relationship with someone so crazy that she’s locked you in your house and has refused to let you have other friends.  And will cut you if you try to leave.

Then we go to the (crazy) chorus again and finally to the bridge, which cements that this relationship is bad news.

The Bridge:

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be

When it’s just you and little me

Everything is clear and everything is new

So you won’t be leaving will you?

There’s not much more I can say except to just point to those words and then refer to the locked door and how she’s sucked all your strength out of you.  I like to imagine that last line is less a plea for her lover to stay and more one of those rhetorical questions she asks when she’s holding a knife.

The cover art for Dido's upcoming album

So what did we learn from this?  First, if you’re listening to this song and thinking “Hey that sounds like my significant other,” turn off your computer and flee.  Don’t take time to feed the cat.  Don’t bother packing a bag.  Just flee.  You don’t know if your SO has already changed the locks or if he or she is currently stocking up on razor blades.  You can buy new clothes.  But not if you’re locked up forever with a psychopath.

And if you’re thinking “Hey that sounds like the sorts of things I do and/or want to say to my significant other” or even worse “I’m single, but I would like to say that to somebody” then…well…yeah I think you may have some problems.  You need to get over the cray cray, let your significant other out of the house, and get a new hobby.  Like blogging.

Just remember this handy tip if you don’t have time to listen to Dido to decide if your relationship is romantic or just plain crazy:  It’s not romance if they’re chained to the bed and you threaten to cut them should they attempt to contact the outside world.

No matter what a tween tells you, vampirism does not make stalking sexy

Have suggestions for future FUF songs?  Let me know!