F***ed Up Friday: "White Flag" by Dido

Welcome back, cats and kittens.  It's Friday already.  And since it's a beautiful Friday and just a few hours separates us from a sunny three day weekend (if you're in Canada, it's already the weekend...Happy Canada Day!), I won't make any reference to that Friday song.

Instead, it's time to turn inward and examine our own emotional needs and the crazy songs that go with it.  However, I've started to notice a trend:  No matter who we're talking about, the topic usually devolves into discussions of how Dido will cut you or that vampirism does not make stalking sexy (especially when said stalker is a creepy pedophile).  So I've just decided to cut all the pretense and cut right to the chase:  Dido cutting a vampire.

From her 2003 album "Life For Rent," today's FUF selection is "White Flag" by Dido:

First of all, before we go any further.  The whole wall of pictures?  The wall of pictures that both of them have?  Yeah...unhealthy creepy stalker behavior.  Moving on...

So who is tall, dark and brooding?  Yep, that's Angel himself, David Boreanaz, the original emo vampire stalker.  And before you get all crabby about how dare I make any inference that Angel and Edward Cullen are similar, let's take a look at the facts, shall we?

1.  They're both stalkers:  Now yes, granted, Angel at least asked before he snuck into Buffy's window, but let's be honest, Angel did kind of follow her around...a lot.  Like a stalker.  So one's a creepy stalker, the other is just a slightly less creepy stalker.  To-may-to, To-mah-to.

2.  They're both cradle robbers:  Edward is 119 or something like that.  Bella was in high school.  Angel's several hundred year's old.  Buffy's in high school.  Nuff said.

3.  Bad hair.

"His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he'd just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful."  ~ Is this a description of Edward or Angel...it's tough to tell

Of course, regardless of how absolutely disturbing Edward and Angel are, they pale in comparison (hee I'm so punny) to the cray-cray of Dido.  Let's take a look

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

HA!  Like I'm going to believe that.  This is the same girl who once told us to close the blinds and shut the door, you won't need other friends anymore.  And she'll make us weaker like a child.  And asks quietly and calmly, "So you won't be leaving will you?"

Anyway, maybe she's changed her ways and decided NOT to cling to a relationship that's just doomed to failure.  That would be a first.  Let's read on and see.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Wait what?  Like 5 seconds ago you were saying how you were NOT trying to return to where you were before (locking them up in your basement?) and now you're singing about how you refuse to let the love die?  This is not the attitude of someone who's moved on.  This is the attitude of a woman with a knife threatening to cut you if you try to leave her.

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Yes, Dido, because see here in the real world, we do these things called "break ups."  That's when you realize that a specific relationship isn't going to work out and you end it.  You don't get Glenn Close-style creepy.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue

Oh good...so you're going to finally let it go...

And you will think
That I've moved on....
This...this is the creepiest line in the whole song.  Because while you think she's gotten over you, she's secretly planning on pulling a "Don't Leave Home" on you.  Just you wait.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

We get it.  The relationship may be over, but not for you.  Oh no.  You will love them.  You will love them so hard it hurts.  You will make them love you.  And if they won't you will make sure that they can never love anyone again...

You think she moved on.  That was your mistake.

Now before you all get all "Why are you picking on Dido?" I have to say that I do enjoy her music.  I have all her CDs.  But saying Dido's a little crazy is like saying some one's a little pregnant.

Now excuse me, I have to go close the blinds and shut the door.  If I sit alone in the dark, she won't find me...

F***ed Up Friday: "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to another episode of F***ed Up Friday, where we examine the music that goes with your emotional instability.  Last week we examined a song about blowing yourself up for love.  At least based on the comments I got on Facebook, most of you tended to agree that "Grenade" by Bruno Mars was indeed the worst love song ever written.

This week's song certainly doesn't belong in the category of worst love songs ever written.  On it's literal face, it's about a woman who mistakes a piece of garbage for an animal.  However, much like that kid in "American Beauty" who insists that trash is beautiful, our protagonist can only lament that her relationship unrequited crush is both slowly killing her and the only thing keeping her alive.

We're not sure what else is keeping her alive.  It's certainly not food.

From her 1999 album
"When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king
What he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight
And he'll win the whole thing 'fore he enters the ring
There's no body to batter when your mind is your might
So when you go solo, you hold your own hand
And remember that depth is the greatest of heights
And if you know where you stand, then you know where to land
And if you fall it won't matter, cause you'll know that you're right" (Yes that's the title), today's selection is "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on
Or something like that

Stargazing…something I can relate to ^_^

I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew
Was a hopeless to be had

I must say, I really like this imagery. I think it’s the use of the word “fix.” Because as we all know, if we could bottle love, it most certainly would be a narcotic. And while a healthy relationship can be good for people, sometimes even little flirtations with love can get you hooked; crushes can turn out to be obsessions that aren’t healthy. Now not all crushes are inherently bad, but when you’re planning to lock up your crush for eternity, trying to blow yourself up to impress someone who’s trying to murder you, or finding someone sneaking into your room to watch you sleep “romantic,” then you’ve got a problem.

 

But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

You’re all smart people, you can figure out what this means. But in case you are feeling lazy, let’s review: Girl has a crush. Girl sees glimmer of light. Perhaps he asked her to a movie. Perhaps he merely said “see you later” and she responded by thinking that since he therefore SEES her, he must LOVE her. Unclear. Moving on in the lyrics, we realize that this little glimmer of hope has been crushed like ants upon a tuna dish. There’s nothing there.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Another metaphor that accurately captures the total agony of being in love (thanks, cute kid from "Love, Actually").  Crushes do hurt.  That's why their called crushes.  But at least, unlike certain people, when she realizes her love is unrequited, she doesn't continue to pine over it.  She gets over it.  Imagine that.

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

Oh god, she's regressing!  She's gone back to pining.  Seriously, Fiona, you were doing so well!

And I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said, "It's all in your head"
And I said, "So's everything'" but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy

There...right there.  That line is like THE line to end all lines.  How many of us have thought that at least one time or another.  Especially when dealing with childish emotionally unavailable crushes.  Seriously.  At least she gets it.

Either that or she's bat shit insane.  Unclear.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Preach it!

Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hallelujiah!

Oh hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
Because I know that I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving it works, when it costs too much to love

Amen, sister!

So there we have it.  A story about realizing you're in love, your crush isn't into you and/or is in bad news and you're like "hmmm...no."  Or maybe it's about emotional unavailability.  Or maybe it's just about Fiona being crazy and her guy just doesn't realize it.

That or it's just her way to stay thin.

Although in all seriousness, girl needs to eat a bagel or something.

F****ed Up Friday: "Grenade" by Bruno Mars

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to F***ed up Friday, where we find the music that best fits and works with your emotional needs and relationship issues.  Now, I've gone on record on saying that I firmly believe that Dido will cut me, and I stand by that statement.  Dido's music is all about one-sided relationships verging on stalking, with a real threat of violence should you break up with her (or at least having her lock you up and not letting you leave...ever).  But I believe I have finally found someone to top Dido in the cray cray stalking this-is-not-how-a-healthy-relationship-work competition.

Now I'm sure Bruno Mars is a very nice person.  And Whitney Houston would approve of his use of coke (remember, crack is whack, but coke is ok).  However, in "Grenade," he takes his relationship to a level that Dido can only dream of.

There's nothing romantic about this song.  In fact, it's down right creepy.  Dido may want to hurt me if I leave her.  Bruno, on the other hand, seems intent on causing himself grievous bodily injury.  Let's look closer.

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,
Why were they open?

Ok, so we start off with...well apparently not a very equal relationship.  Unrequited love party of one. Not too bad, but let's be honest, if your potential partner doesn't really care for you, the relationship isn't going to work too well.  Still, there's hope...

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is

Seriously, Bruno, this doesn't sound like a good relationship.  She doesn't love you.  Maybe you should just give up and move on...

I’d catch a grenade for ya

Wait WHAT?

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

WHAT?!

I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;

HOLD UP!  Wait a minute, crazy boy.  You just...you spent the first verse complaining that your significant other/crush isn't into you.  And so to show her your love you're going to blow yourself up?  I mean seriously, what about like, a nice dinner and maybe tickets to a show?  Flowers?  Why are we going straight to bodily mulitation and/or death.  I mean Dido only locked someone up...this is moving a LITTLE to fast...maybe that's why she's not interested...

But you won't do the same

...Really?  REALLY?  The girl has already said she's not interested and you're upset that she's not going to CHOP OFF HER FREAKING HAND as an expression of love?  Where did you learn how to court someone?

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from

Ok, so you're possibly realizing she's not a good catch...mostly because she apparently beats you.  This is good (the realization, not the domestic abuse part).  We're moving on.  Perhaps by the time we get to the second chorus you'll talk about how you're going to get coffee with her or something.  Or better yet, breaking up/getting over the crush.

Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car

WAIT WHAT?  This isn't someone saying "sorry, I'm not dating."  This is a woman who's actively trying to murder you!  Take a hint man.  Turning you down is one thing, trying to kill you really should be a deal breaker.  And while I'm not all-knowing when it comes to relationships built on a desire to murder, I must say that when someone is actively attempting to whack you, committing suicide probably isn't going to win you your way into her heart.

Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said "Goodbye" and you were like "No way!" and then I was all "We pretended we were going to murder you"?  That was great!

Anyway, then we go back to the chorus.  More things about catching grenades and shooting himself and being all pissy that his crush isn't all into that sort of thing.  I mean, really?  Murder-suicide isn't something to build a relationship on.  I mean, sure it "works" for some people, but it's usually not one person trying to murder the other before he commits suicide.  Then, we get to the doozy of a bridge...

If my body was on fire, ooh
You’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me you're a liar
Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...

Let's review.  You've already maimed yourself with a military weapon, chopped off a limb, stepped in front of several tons of steel, been shot, endured hours of agony, and died (go with the last one, apparently he's a ghost or something at this point).  All of this hasn't worked, so in one last effort to win her love you try self-immolation?  Yeah, seriously man.  Move on.

Then it's back to the chorus.  Apparently he still has limbs to hack off, more bullets to take.  And of course it ends with him complaining that the girl who's expressed she's not interested in him and attempted to kill him to make the point won't also...catch a grenade for him?  Dido, eat your heart out.

Now let's all pause to remember that what I'm about to say is coming from the guy who pined over someone for two years, but seriously Bruno, you need to move on.  Get over the girl and live your life.  Because while I used to stalk visit my crush, I never went as far as committing bodily harm for love.  There's nobody worth that.

And if you gentle readers still think this is vaguely romantic, remember it's only one tiny step from catching a grenade to autoerotic asphyxiation.  And that's not something to build a relationship on either.

F***ed Up Friday: "Don't Leave Home" by Dido

Welcome to F***ed up Friday.  In this (soon to be) weekly segment, I shall be providing you with the music you need to handle whatever emotional crisis you may be facing.  Whether you’re single or in a relationship, this will be your guide to navigating the myriad songs bombarding you and help you find that perfect tune to fit your mood.

Our inaugural song on FUF goes to a likely regular, Dido.

Don't let the sweet smile food you.  She WILL cut you.

Now I must start by stating that I have never met Dido in person.  From my understanding, she is happily married and is, in fact, with child (I was originally going to use the word “impregnated” but I felt that that just sounds like the result of an alien abduction).  However, I have an irrational completely rational fear that one day, Dido is going to break into my apartment, cut me with a razor, and leave me bleeding on my hardwood floor (which will likely mean I don’t get my security deposit back should I survive said cutting).  How do I know this?  Because I listen to Dido’s music.

Our selection today is from Dido’s 2003 album “Life for Rent”:  “Don’t Leave Home.”

At first glance, this sounds like quite a romantic song.  After all, with lyrics such as “If you’re cold, I’ll keep you warm/If you’re low, just hold on/’Cause I will be your safety” in the chorus, this sounds more like the ideal first dance song than a song for FUF.  HA!  Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Verse the First:

Like a ghost don’t need a key

Your best friend I’ve come to be

Please don’t think of getting up for me

You don’t even need to speak

Ok, a little creepy, but nothing too crazy yet.  The whole “I’ll just come over whenever I want…shhhhh don’t say anything” smacks of some potential desperation and/or cray cray, but really, there’s worse out there.

When I’ve been here for just one day

You’ll already miss me if I go away

Getting creepy. . .Perhaps it’s time to start moving towards the door. . .wait…why is the door not opening?  Because. . .

So close the blinds and shut the door

You won’t need other friends anymore

Oh don’t leave home

Oh don’t leave home

WAIT WHAT?!  Did she just…how did we go from romantic if slightly cray cray Dido to full out Kathy-Bates-in-Misery?  We have officially entered stalkerville.  This isn’t healthy.  She’s literally telling her lover “I will cut you off from the rest of the world and you’ll like it.  And don’t even try to think of escaping.”  It’s only a hop skip and a jump from “Close the blinds and shut the door” to “I will cut you if you try to leave me.”

Note…I have an urge to remix this song, except right after the line “shut the door,” I want the sound of a lock turning.  You know, a nice ka-chunk.  Can anyone do that for me?

The Chorus:

If you’re cold, I’ll keep you warm

And if you’re low, just hold on

‘Cause I will be your safety

Oh don’t leave home

Not so romantic now is it?  No…it’s the words of a crazy person who’s locked you in her house and will cut you should you try to leave.

Verse the Second:

I arrived when you were weak

I’ll make you weaker like a child

Now all your love you give to me

When your heart is all I need

Oh don’t leave home

Oh don’t leave home

Wait…isn’t love supposed to make us stronger.  Lift us up where we belong, where eagles fly and all that jazz.  Not when you’re in a relationship with someone so crazy that she’s locked you in your house and has refused to let you have other friends.  And will cut you if you try to leave.

Then we go to the (crazy) chorus again and finally to the bridge, which cements that this relationship is bad news.

The Bridge:

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be

When it’s just you and little me

Everything is clear and everything is new

So you won’t be leaving will you?

There’s not much more I can say except to just point to those words and then refer to the locked door and how she’s sucked all your strength out of you.  I like to imagine that last line is less a plea for her lover to stay and more one of those rhetorical questions she asks when she’s holding a knife.

The cover art for Dido's upcoming album

So what did we learn from this?  First, if you’re listening to this song and thinking “Hey that sounds like my significant other,” turn off your computer and flee.  Don’t take time to feed the cat.  Don’t bother packing a bag.  Just flee.  You don’t know if your SO has already changed the locks or if he or she is currently stocking up on razor blades.  You can buy new clothes.  But not if you’re locked up forever with a psychopath.

And if you’re thinking “Hey that sounds like the sorts of things I do and/or want to say to my significant other” or even worse “I’m single, but I would like to say that to somebody” then…well…yeah I think you may have some problems.  You need to get over the cray cray, let your significant other out of the house, and get a new hobby.  Like blogging.

Just remember this handy tip if you don’t have time to listen to Dido to decide if your relationship is romantic or just plain crazy:  It’s not romance if they’re chained to the bed and you threaten to cut them should they attempt to contact the outside world.

No matter what a tween tells you, vampirism does not make stalking sexy

Have suggestions for future FUF songs?  Let me know!