F****ed Up Friday: "Grenade" by Bruno Mars

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to F***ed up Friday, where we find the music that best fits and works with your emotional needs and relationship issues.  Now, I've gone on record on saying that I firmly believe that Dido will cut me, and I stand by that statement.  Dido's music is all about one-sided relationships verging on stalking, with a real threat of violence should you break up with her (or at least having her lock you up and not letting you leave...ever).  But I believe I have finally found someone to top Dido in the cray cray stalking this-is-not-how-a-healthy-relationship-work competition.

Now I'm sure Bruno Mars is a very nice person.  And Whitney Houston would approve of his use of coke (remember, crack is whack, but coke is ok).  However, in "Grenade," he takes his relationship to a level that Dido can only dream of.

There's nothing romantic about this song.  In fact, it's down right creepy.  Dido may want to hurt me if I leave her.  Bruno, on the other hand, seems intent on causing himself grievous bodily injury.  Let's look closer.

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,
Why were they open?

Ok, so we start off with...well apparently not a very equal relationship.  Unrequited love party of one. Not too bad, but let's be honest, if your potential partner doesn't really care for you, the relationship isn't going to work too well.  Still, there's hope...

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is

Seriously, Bruno, this doesn't sound like a good relationship.  She doesn't love you.  Maybe you should just give up and move on...

I’d catch a grenade for ya

Wait WHAT?

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

WHAT?!

I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;

HOLD UP!  Wait a minute, crazy boy.  You just...you spent the first verse complaining that your significant other/crush isn't into you.  And so to show her your love you're going to blow yourself up?  I mean seriously, what about like, a nice dinner and maybe tickets to a show?  Flowers?  Why are we going straight to bodily mulitation and/or death.  I mean Dido only locked someone up...this is moving a LITTLE to fast...maybe that's why she's not interested...

But you won't do the same

...Really?  REALLY?  The girl has already said she's not interested and you're upset that she's not going to CHOP OFF HER FREAKING HAND as an expression of love?  Where did you learn how to court someone?

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from

Ok, so you're possibly realizing she's not a good catch...mostly because she apparently beats you.  This is good (the realization, not the domestic abuse part).  We're moving on.  Perhaps by the time we get to the second chorus you'll talk about how you're going to get coffee with her or something.  Or better yet, breaking up/getting over the crush.

Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car

WAIT WHAT?  This isn't someone saying "sorry, I'm not dating."  This is a woman who's actively trying to murder you!  Take a hint man.  Turning you down is one thing, trying to kill you really should be a deal breaker.  And while I'm not all-knowing when it comes to relationships built on a desire to murder, I must say that when someone is actively attempting to whack you, committing suicide probably isn't going to win you your way into her heart.

Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said "Goodbye" and you were like "No way!" and then I was all "We pretended we were going to murder you"?  That was great!

Anyway, then we go back to the chorus.  More things about catching grenades and shooting himself and being all pissy that his crush isn't all into that sort of thing.  I mean, really?  Murder-suicide isn't something to build a relationship on.  I mean, sure it "works" for some people, but it's usually not one person trying to murder the other before he commits suicide.  Then, we get to the doozy of a bridge...

If my body was on fire, ooh
You’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me you're a liar
Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...

Let's review.  You've already maimed yourself with a military weapon, chopped off a limb, stepped in front of several tons of steel, been shot, endured hours of agony, and died (go with the last one, apparently he's a ghost or something at this point).  All of this hasn't worked, so in one last effort to win her love you try self-immolation?  Yeah, seriously man.  Move on.

Then it's back to the chorus.  Apparently he still has limbs to hack off, more bullets to take.  And of course it ends with him complaining that the girl who's expressed she's not interested in him and attempted to kill him to make the point won't also...catch a grenade for him?  Dido, eat your heart out.

Now let's all pause to remember that what I'm about to say is coming from the guy who pined over someone for two years, but seriously Bruno, you need to move on.  Get over the girl and live your life.  Because while I used to stalk visit my crush, I never went as far as committing bodily harm for love.  There's nobody worth that.

And if you gentle readers still think this is vaguely romantic, remember it's only one tiny step from catching a grenade to autoerotic asphyxiation.  And that's not something to build a relationship on either.