In Which Our Hero Discusses the Rapture

As you all well know, gentle readers, according to 89-year-old Harold Camping, the world will be ending this Saturday, May 21st.  Although Camping originally indicated that the world would end at 6:00pm local time, he has since backed away from that original claim and now indicates that he's not sure of the specific hour.  Anyway, since there's so much confusion over the impending Rapture, I've prepared this little primer to help guide you through the most immediate concerns.  Read on, cats and kittens, and discover the secrets of the apocalypse.

1.  How did we get May 21, 2011 as the date of the Rapture?
The answer should be through math.  However, based on my research, it's unclear what sort of math we're talking about here, and it's possible that dividing by zero is involved.

Here's the math, reported by Yahoo:

Here's the gist of Camping's calculation: He believes Christ was crucified on April 1, 33 A.D., exactly 722,500 days before May 21, 2011. That number, 722,500, is the square of 5 x 10 x 17. In Camping's numerological system, 5 represents atonement, 10 means completeness, and seventeen means heaven. "Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story," Camping said on his Oakland-based talk show, Family Radio, last year. "It's the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you're completely saved."


Alright...so...we're not sure where he got the 5, 10, and 17 from, but sure we'll go with that.


Wait, what's that you say?  That's not how it works?  This is how it works, according to the International Business Times:


He added 7,000 years to the great flood date of 4990 B.C. to determine the date of the next destruction of humanity.

That would put us in the approximate millennium  but what about the day? 

Camping relies on  Genesis 7:11, explaining that the flood occurs "on the seventeenth day of the second month." Using the standard Hebrew Calendar this all makes for May 21, 2011.

Wait...the...how...seriously?  We're not even sure how we got to this date and we're supposed to all just sort of go with it?  I mean, if you're gonna predict the end of the world, can't you at least keep the numbers straight?  Or is it gay numbers that got us into this mess in the first place?

2.  What does the Bible say about the date of the Rapture?
Contrary to what you might have heard, the Bible does not give an exact date for the Rapture.  But let's get the easy stuff out of the way first:  The Old Testament contains 1,800 verses prophesy the Lord's return, and the New Testament adds another 300 to the mix.

As we should alway do, let's turn directly to the source.  Note, all quotations are from the King James Bible, so translations may vary:

"Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.  But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my father only." - Matthew 24:35-36

"But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you.  For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night." - 1 Thess 5:1-2

"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." - 2 Peter 3:10

So it goes pretty much without saying that the day of the Lord's coming isn't something that can be pinned down.  In fact, at least according to Matthew, not even Jesus himself knows the day.  And a thief in the night certainly isn't going to tell you the day or the time he's going to rob you.

I still want to know how she stole the Great Wall of China like a thief in the night.

3.  What is this Rapture anyway and what are my chances of being Raptured?
"For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:  Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord." - 1 Thess 4: 16-17.

Basically, according to the Bible, upon the Lord's coming, the faithful, both the living and the dead, will be carried up into heaven.  That's it.  Those few verses are the basis for all of this.  And the Left Behind series.  All of it.  2 verses.

Anyway, according to Camping, 200 million "good Christians" will be Raptured.  Now let's go with that number for a minute.  200 million.  Now look back at the Bible.  And back at the number.  200 million good Christians.  Alive and dead.  Total.  Of all the humans who have lived in the entire span of history, 200 million.  Yeah.  Your chances are small.  And even if we limit to just the last 2000 years, your chances are still small.  Even smaller if you're not, say, Christian.

But as a disclaimer, that 200 million number isn't anywhere in the Bible.  Just like we're not sure where he got the whole 5x10x17 thing.  It's not in there.  I looked.

This is the very first result in a Google image search for "Good Christian."  Take that as you will.

4.  What does the Bible say about "prophecies" that don't come true?
Self, that's a very good question.  The Bible is quite specific on issues of prophecy and false prophets.

"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously:  thou shalt not be afraid of him." - Deu 18:22

Camping predicted the Rapture in 1994.  He claimed it didn't come to pass because of a mathematical error.  Given that, at least according to the Bible, if a prophet prophecies and it does not come to pass, he's a false prophet. . .

5.  Talking about the end of the world is fun!  Is there a good word for it?
Yes.  Eschatology:  The study of the end of the world  And your conversations are thus, eschatalogical discussions.  It's a great word and should be used quite frequently.  I suggest using it a lot on May 20.