In Which Our Hero Recounts His Rapture Adventures

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to the All-True and Accurate Confessions of me!  As you may or may not be aware, the Rapture did not actually happen on May 21st.  Although, to be honest, since I'm convinced that anyone reading this blog wouldn't be Raptured anyway, it's not like it really matters.


Unfortunately, since the Rapture didn't happen, I had to put off my looting for another day.  And it's sad, because I could totally use a PS3.  And a new toaster.  So instead of looting, I will recount for you all how I spent the non-Rapture Day Weekend!  Most of this is taken from chat logs, status messages, and what I remember.

Friday, May 20 2011
 8:00 AM:  Alarm goes off.  Snooze.  Ponder why bothering to set the alarm at all if I'm never going to bother getting up.

9:04 AM:  Get up.  Get fresh.  Get a bowl but don't have cereal.  Do not meet my friends.  Do not have a seat choosing dilemma.  Pack suitcase for weekend back in the suburban exurban wasteland that is Connecticut.

10:11 AM:  Leave for work.
11:00 AM:  Arrive at work.
4:37 PM:  Go to Starbucks.  Woman in front of me pays for her Venti Triple Cappuccino with Whole Milk, Two Sweet n Lows, Extra Hot with her Amex Black card.  Secretly wish I could touch said card.  Then remember how hard it is to get a camel through the eye of a needle.  Even with a wood chipper.
9:45 PM:  Leave work to head to Grand Central.  Think that leaving NYC is probably a good idea if the apocalypse was impending.  People in cities never live too long.
9:46 PM:  Curse that I didn't bring my field hockey stick with me.  It's my zombie killing weapon of choice in case I'm ever ambushed in my apartment.
9:47 PM:  Curse that I didn't bring extra underwear as well.
11:13 PM:  Arrive back home in Connecticut.  Check local time in Tonga.  2 hours and 13 minutes until 6:00 PM local time.
11:23 PM:  Determine to stay up until 1:00 AM EST to see if the Rolling Rapture begins.  Make a sandwich.
11:33 PM:  Kill time on the internet.  Surprisingly easy to do.  Plan on using the lamp should a zombie attack.


Saturday, May 21
12:43 AM:  17 minutes!  REPENT!
12:45 AM:  15 minutes!  This is like New Year's...but without the alcohol
12:59 AM:  Here we go!
1:05 AM:  No earthquakes yet.
1:10 AM:  This is the lamest Rapture ever.  I'm starting to get annoyed that I didn't even get any Rapture sexytimes.
1:17 AM:  If this thing doesn't start in 15 minutes, I'm calling shenanigans.
1:30 AM:  Tonga's still there.  At least according to CNN.
1:43 AM:  Give up.  Call it a night.  Let's see what happens tomorrow.
8:15 AM:  Wake up.  Not Raptured.  Unless Connecticut is heaven.
8:16 AM:  Check CNN.  Nothing to report.  Note that the Doomsday story is no longer the lead story.
8:47 AM:  13 minutes until 6:00 PM in Jerusalem...our next big rapture checkpoint!
8:59 AM:  1 more minute...
9:01 AM:  Seriously?  That's it?
9:02 AM:  Go to help with a yard sale.  Sell things.  Not sure how unloading various and sundry crap will help with the Rapture, but not like I have anything better to do.
12:30 PM:  Lunch.  Perhaps...the last lunch ever?
1:15 PM:  Torrential downpour.  Perhaps the beginning of the end?
1: 45 PM:  Nope, it's sunny again.
4:30 PM:  Get bored.  Have some chips and salsa.  Begin regretting lack of potential Rapture sexytimes in Connecticut.
5:55 PM:  Begin 5 minute countdown!
5:59 PM:  Regret not being near a Best Buy.  By the time I get there, all the best looting will already be done.
6:00 PM:  HAPPY RAPTURE DAY!  Feel the urge to sing Auld Lang Syne.
6:02 PM:  No earthquakes.  Kind of let down.  Decide to go watch the Preakness.
6:04 PM:  Fall asleep on the couch.  Miss the Preakness.
6:30 PM:  Wake up.  Regret lack of post-Rapture sexytime opportunities.  Well, there's always 2012.