F***ed Up Friday: "Putting the Damage On" by Tori Amos

Welcome back to F***ed Up Fridays, were your intrepid hero will
provide you will all the songs you need to deal with your
relationships (or lack thereof) and other emotional crises that
inevitably crop up in your search for love and/or sexytimes.

Today’s selection is the perfect song for when you don’t necessarily
want to be happy, but you haven’t quite descended into cutting your
wrist territory yet.  Much like Dido, who kicked off this weekly
adventure, this week’s artist will likely also grace us with her
presence many times.

From her 1996 album "Boys For Pele," this week's selection is "Putting the Damage On" by Tori Amos:

As Tori herself stated, when discussing PTDO, "And of course Damage
speaks for itself. The song, being herself damaged, it's trying to
teach myself about graciousness, and I have such a hard time with
that. I have a very hard time. Damage was so essential for me to sing,
it's one of the most difficult ones for me. I can look and have love
and feelings for some of these people but... "  (Statement from the
B-Sides)

This perhaps is one of the best songs ever for the sad sad single.
It’s the song that just captures your feelings, the way that your
crush will just take your heart and rip it to shreds, sometimes
without even knowing it.  And even though you know they’re bad news,
they still look pretty as they’re putting the damage on.

In many ways, though, PTDO isn’t just about the song.  It’s the
experience of listening to the song that’s most important.  And as I
may have spent many an hour listening to this song, including during
the saga of the Super Cute Bartender (see….), I am an expert when it
comes to it.  So without further ado, here are the most important
things to know when it comes to truly experiencing PTDO.

Step 1:  You must be alone.
This is not the type of song that you can listen to with others
around.  You must be alone, consumed in your own thoughts, pining over
the person who you want to get out of your head, but all you can think
about is how you have tickets to their show, but they don’t seem to
care.  In fact, this song is most appropriately listened to when
you’re alone just after having interacted with the object of your
affection.  Or bitched, whined, moaned and complained about the object
of your affection to someone else, they've told you to get over it,
you agree, and then you immediately go back to pining.  Alone.

The answer to Ann's eternal question:  PTDO

Step 2:  You must be under the effects of some substance
Whether you’re just in from drinking because you have the hots for a
bartender or you were out on the town with your friends because you
need to get over your crush, this song is not for the sober.  In fact,
the most ideal time to listen to the song is when you’re alone (see
step 1) and you’ve opened up a bottle of wine just for yourself.
Bonus points if you’re drinking straight out of the bottle.  Hard
liquor also works well here.

And for those of you who do not drink, not to worry.  Our good friends
Ben & Jerry or just plain old chocolate will do the trick.  So will
some greasy take out.  Basically, the point here is that you must be
eating or drinking your feelings in some way.  And if you’re some
crazy vegan pinko hippie who can’t do any of this, well, you have more
problems than wishing for your best impression of your best Angie
Dickinson.

Lifetime:  Television for Women and Fags
If it's appropriate for watching one of these, it's appropriate for PTDO.

Step 3:  You must be in the dark
This is most easily accomplished if it’s late at night after some
tryst at a bar (preferably where you encountered/stalked your crush).
However, if the evil daystar is still up, don’t worry.  Take a cue
from Dido and close the blinds and shut the door.  Don’t even light a
candle.  Just sit there in the dark.  Alone.

Step 4:  Put aside at least 30 minutes
PTDO isn’t the kind of song you just listen to once.  Oh no, gentle
readers.  This is the type of song that you put on repeat.  And you
listen to it over and over and over.  We’re talking listening to it to
the point that you’re not 100% sure where in the song you are since
it’s just kind of all blending together.  Now while having some form
of automatic repeat is good, the true PTDO experience comes from
listening to the song and then manually starting it over again.

Step 5:  Wallow
That’s right.  Let the self pity come out.  Just close your eyes and
think of how pretty they are, and how they constantly just put the
damage on.  Then listen to it again and again and again.

Step 6:  Denial
If anyone asks, you’ve never spent an hour listening to PTDO while
thinking about your crush.  In fact, that crush.  Totally over it.  It
wasn’t even a REAL crush at all.  Just a silly infatuation.

It really is a river in Egypt!

If you don’t have this handy guide, just remember this rule of thumb:
If there is anything getting in the way of your PTDO pity party,
you’re doing it wrong.

Stay tuned next week when we bring you another song for your emotional
needs.  Have a suggestion?  Let me know.