In Which Our Hero Introduces You to Eurovision

This originally appeared in the Georgetown Law Weekly and was written by my friend Nicky and I.


If you’re craving fabulous costumes, cheesy Europop, incredibly high heels, overdone drag queens, and ridiculously choreographed performances, you don’t have to wait for the High Heel Race in October or even the Republican Convention. Instead, tune into the Eurovision Song Contest this May.

The format of Eurovision is simple. Each country that is part of the European Broadcasting Union submits one song to be performed live and then casts votes to determine the winner. Think of it as the American Idol of Europe, but without Paula Abdul. The contest has been broadcasted every year since 1956, making it one of the longest running television broadcasts in history.

Of course, you may be thinking, “Why Eurovision? I can get all I want from American Idol and I can even TiVo through Paula.” However, a simple side by side comparison will demonstrate Eurovision’s utter domination of its American fanny-packed counterpart.

First and foremost, Eurovision is not just a song contest; it is also a tool of diplomacy. After all, in the aggregate, it’s better for European countries to express their national pride through craptacular music instead of, oh say, war. To paraphrase Eisenhower, the best response to war is a big bunch of peace with a healthy dollop of ill advised mulletry, bell bottoms, Swedish thrash metal and incoherent warbling in multiple languages.

There are also pirates!  "Wolves of the Sea" from Latvia (2008)

Occasionally the unbridled diplopop becomes too much for the participants to bear, and in the heat of the 'nul point' moment, certain countries have been known to install a technological blockade (as in, cut the feed). See e.g. Jordan cutting the cable when Israel was up a few bedazzler points in 1978 (when Israel won, Jordan reported that Belgium had taken the “prize”).

Second, while your gay, and apparently tone deaf, friends may swoon at such Idol competitors as Kelly Clarkson and Chris Daughtry, even they must admit that these poptastic wannabes cannot hold a hetero-flexible candle to the fabulousity of Eurovision winners Celine Dion and ABBA.

Not to mention 2006 winner, Lordi (Finland)

Additionally, while we may wish and pray that singers on American Idol simply sing instead of dance (or rather flail around as most are wont to do), Eurovision is based on pageantry. Fierce costumes (which more often than not venture into the realm of tranny hot mess), garish sets, swooping camera angles (all “expertly” choreographed), and tort-tastic pyrotechnics are the norm. In fact, while ear plugs are recommended, they are not required, and some of the competitors can actually belt out a tune.

Ireland tried to win with a singing turkey in 2008

Some may argue that nothing can come close to the drama of American Idol voting (witness, for example, the sheer outrage after Jennifer Hudson’s early exit in Season 3). But, again, we Americans have nothing on our formal imperial overlords. In Eurovision, each country votes independently, awarding 12 points to the winner of its own popular vote. Of course, this means that Malta has the same say as Germany, with expected results.

And then there’s the dilemma of bloc voting, with politically aligned countries accused of voting for each other regardless of the musical “talent” of the act, causing rich countries to argue that despite giving the most money to the competition (namely the “Big Four”: The UK, France, Spain, and Germany), they have no chance of winning (of course, one wonders why the UK even thought they could do well with a song, “Flying the Flag (For You)” by Scooch that featured vague sexual references in airline safety announcements: “Blow into the tube. . .We wish you a pleasurable flight”).

Apparently nobody wanted the French hippie on a golf cart to win in 2008

Finally, because of post-colonial guilt, certain countries feel the need to give their votes to their minion countries (such as the UK to Ireland). However, in the truest sense of sticking it to the man, these little countries don’t return the favor. And what’s at stake? The winning country gets to host next year’s Eurovision, giving them loads of tourism revenue! Perhaps the voters are really voting for where they want to take their next vacation. . .

Of course, no competition is complete without commentary (remember Mike O’Malley on GUTS), and nobody is better than acerbic Brit Terry Wogan, who puts his Idol counterpart Simon to shame. After all, while Simon may call someone the worst singer in the world, Terry goes above and beyond that, calling fellow contest officials idiots and really just mocking the entire thing (he’s been banned for Denmark since apparently the Danes don’t share his sense of humor after he called the Danish hosts of one show “Dr. Death and the Tooth Fairy”). Chris Tarrant, another British television host, noted “Terry Wogan's commentary is why any sane person would choose to watch the Eurovision.” In fact, it’s the best reason to watch Eurovision.

Editor's note:  The following content is new and never seen before!


So what can we expect from this year’s show?  With Eurovision it's hard to tell what will happen.  In 2006, Lordi jumped into the winner's circle with "Hard Rock Hallelujiah."  The following year Serbia's Marija Serifovic’s upset heavily-favored Ukrainian drag queen Verka Serduchka (only when talking about Eurovision can you legitimately use the phrase “heavily-favored Ukrainian drag queen").  

Heavily favored Ukranian drag queen Verka Serduchka

Russia captured the crown in 2008 with a piece featuring an Olympic figure skating gold medalist prancing around on stage.  Norway took the crown in 2009 with a fiddle player, and Germany finally broke the Big 4 curse in 2010.  Will there be another ABBA? We don’t know. But we can guarantee that the heels will be high, the lyrics will be cheesy, and Terry Wogan will be as cynical as ever!


You can catch all the action by streaming online at www.eurovision.tv!  Enjoy the show and stay tuned to The All-True and Accurate Confessions, as we bring you a more in depth preview of this year's competition, as well as a special Eurovision F***ed Up Friday!