F****ed Up Friday: "Grenade" by Bruno Mars

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to F***ed up Friday, where we find the music that best fits and works with your emotional needs and relationship issues.  Now, I've gone on record on saying that I firmly believe that Dido will cut me, and I stand by that statement.  Dido's music is all about one-sided relationships verging on stalking, with a real threat of violence should you break up with her (or at least having her lock you up and not letting you leave...ever).  But I believe I have finally found someone to top Dido in the cray cray stalking this-is-not-how-a-healthy-relationship-work competition.

Now I'm sure Bruno Mars is a very nice person.  And Whitney Houston would approve of his use of coke (remember, crack is whack, but coke is ok).  However, in "Grenade," he takes his relationship to a level that Dido can only dream of.

There's nothing romantic about this song.  In fact, it's down right creepy.  Dido may want to hurt me if I leave her.  Bruno, on the other hand, seems intent on causing himself grievous bodily injury.  Let's look closer.

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,
Why were they open?

Ok, so we start off with...well apparently not a very equal relationship.  Unrequited love party of one. Not too bad, but let's be honest, if your potential partner doesn't really care for you, the relationship isn't going to work too well.  Still, there's hope...

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is

Seriously, Bruno, this doesn't sound like a good relationship.  She doesn't love you.  Maybe you should just give up and move on...

I’d catch a grenade for ya

Wait WHAT?

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

WHAT?!

I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;

HOLD UP!  Wait a minute, crazy boy.  You just...you spent the first verse complaining that your significant other/crush isn't into you.  And so to show her your love you're going to blow yourself up?  I mean seriously, what about like, a nice dinner and maybe tickets to a show?  Flowers?  Why are we going straight to bodily mulitation and/or death.  I mean Dido only locked someone up...this is moving a LITTLE to fast...maybe that's why she's not interested...

But you won't do the same

...Really?  REALLY?  The girl has already said she's not interested and you're upset that she's not going to CHOP OFF HER FREAKING HAND as an expression of love?  Where did you learn how to court someone?

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from

Ok, so you're possibly realizing she's not a good catch...mostly because she apparently beats you.  This is good (the realization, not the domestic abuse part).  We're moving on.  Perhaps by the time we get to the second chorus you'll talk about how you're going to get coffee with her or something.  Or better yet, breaking up/getting over the crush.

Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car

WAIT WHAT?  This isn't someone saying "sorry, I'm not dating."  This is a woman who's actively trying to murder you!  Take a hint man.  Turning you down is one thing, trying to kill you really should be a deal breaker.  And while I'm not all-knowing when it comes to relationships built on a desire to murder, I must say that when someone is actively attempting to whack you, committing suicide probably isn't going to win you your way into her heart.

Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said "Goodbye" and you were like "No way!" and then I was all "We pretended we were going to murder you"?  That was great!

Anyway, then we go back to the chorus.  More things about catching grenades and shooting himself and being all pissy that his crush isn't all into that sort of thing.  I mean, really?  Murder-suicide isn't something to build a relationship on.  I mean, sure it "works" for some people, but it's usually not one person trying to murder the other before he commits suicide.  Then, we get to the doozy of a bridge...

If my body was on fire, ooh
You’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me you're a liar
Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...

Let's review.  You've already maimed yourself with a military weapon, chopped off a limb, stepped in front of several tons of steel, been shot, endured hours of agony, and died (go with the last one, apparently he's a ghost or something at this point).  All of this hasn't worked, so in one last effort to win her love you try self-immolation?  Yeah, seriously man.  Move on.

Then it's back to the chorus.  Apparently he still has limbs to hack off, more bullets to take.  And of course it ends with him complaining that the girl who's expressed she's not interested in him and attempted to kill him to make the point won't also...catch a grenade for him?  Dido, eat your heart out.

Now let's all pause to remember that what I'm about to say is coming from the guy who pined over someone for two years, but seriously Bruno, you need to move on.  Get over the girl and live your life.  Because while I used to stalk visit my crush, I never went as far as committing bodily harm for love.  There's nobody worth that.

And if you gentle readers still think this is vaguely romantic, remember it's only one tiny step from catching a grenade to autoerotic asphyxiation.  And that's not something to build a relationship on either.

In Which Our Hero Recounts His Rapture Adventures

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to the All-True and Accurate Confessions of me!  As you may or may not be aware, the Rapture did not actually happen on May 21st.  Although, to be honest, since I'm convinced that anyone reading this blog wouldn't be Raptured anyway, it's not like it really matters.


Unfortunately, since the Rapture didn't happen, I had to put off my looting for another day.  And it's sad, because I could totally use a PS3.  And a new toaster.  So instead of looting, I will recount for you all how I spent the non-Rapture Day Weekend!  Most of this is taken from chat logs, status messages, and what I remember.

Friday, May 20 2011
 8:00 AM:  Alarm goes off.  Snooze.  Ponder why bothering to set the alarm at all if I'm never going to bother getting up.

9:04 AM:  Get up.  Get fresh.  Get a bowl but don't have cereal.  Do not meet my friends.  Do not have a seat choosing dilemma.  Pack suitcase for weekend back in the suburban exurban wasteland that is Connecticut.

10:11 AM:  Leave for work.
11:00 AM:  Arrive at work.
4:37 PM:  Go to Starbucks.  Woman in front of me pays for her Venti Triple Cappuccino with Whole Milk, Two Sweet n Lows, Extra Hot with her Amex Black card.  Secretly wish I could touch said card.  Then remember how hard it is to get a camel through the eye of a needle.  Even with a wood chipper.
9:45 PM:  Leave work to head to Grand Central.  Think that leaving NYC is probably a good idea if the apocalypse was impending.  People in cities never live too long.
9:46 PM:  Curse that I didn't bring my field hockey stick with me.  It's my zombie killing weapon of choice in case I'm ever ambushed in my apartment.
9:47 PM:  Curse that I didn't bring extra underwear as well.
11:13 PM:  Arrive back home in Connecticut.  Check local time in Tonga.  2 hours and 13 minutes until 6:00 PM local time.
11:23 PM:  Determine to stay up until 1:00 AM EST to see if the Rolling Rapture begins.  Make a sandwich.
11:33 PM:  Kill time on the internet.  Surprisingly easy to do.  Plan on using the lamp should a zombie attack.


Saturday, May 21
12:43 AM:  17 minutes!  REPENT!
12:45 AM:  15 minutes!  This is like New Year's...but without the alcohol
12:59 AM:  Here we go!
1:05 AM:  No earthquakes yet.
1:10 AM:  This is the lamest Rapture ever.  I'm starting to get annoyed that I didn't even get any Rapture sexytimes.
1:17 AM:  If this thing doesn't start in 15 minutes, I'm calling shenanigans.
1:30 AM:  Tonga's still there.  At least according to CNN.
1:43 AM:  Give up.  Call it a night.  Let's see what happens tomorrow.
8:15 AM:  Wake up.  Not Raptured.  Unless Connecticut is heaven.
8:16 AM:  Check CNN.  Nothing to report.  Note that the Doomsday story is no longer the lead story.
8:47 AM:  13 minutes until 6:00 PM in Jerusalem...our next big rapture checkpoint!
8:59 AM:  1 more minute...
9:01 AM:  Seriously?  That's it?
9:02 AM:  Go to help with a yard sale.  Sell things.  Not sure how unloading various and sundry crap will help with the Rapture, but not like I have anything better to do.
12:30 PM:  Lunch.  Perhaps...the last lunch ever?
1:15 PM:  Torrential downpour.  Perhaps the beginning of the end?
1: 45 PM:  Nope, it's sunny again.
4:30 PM:  Get bored.  Have some chips and salsa.  Begin regretting lack of potential Rapture sexytimes in Connecticut.
5:55 PM:  Begin 5 minute countdown!
5:59 PM:  Regret not being near a Best Buy.  By the time I get there, all the best looting will already be done.
6:00 PM:  HAPPY RAPTURE DAY!  Feel the urge to sing Auld Lang Syne.
6:02 PM:  No earthquakes.  Kind of let down.  Decide to go watch the Preakness.
6:04 PM:  Fall asleep on the couch.  Miss the Preakness.
6:30 PM:  Wake up.  Regret lack of post-Rapture sexytime opportunities.  Well, there's always 2012.

F***ed Up Friday: "Matinee" by Hurts to Purr

Welcome back to F***ed Up Friday, music for your emotional crisis.  We've covered a lot of territory in these past few weeks.  From creepy stalking behavior to late nights drinking alone to the lingering ache of the break up, we've been through a lot together.  But never fear, there will always be music to truly capture your unique brand of emotional need.

Today's song is perfect for those of you who are champs at unrequited love.  Recommended by my friend Daisy, who is second only to your intrepid hero in these one-sided relationships, today's F***ed Up Friday selection is "Matinee" by Hurts to Purr.

So calm.  So unassuming.  Just a girl going to the movies.  Alone.

It’s a perfect day for a matinee
The rain falling
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’m calling in sick

So I can lose myself in a dark room
With two old ladies laughing when I do
And the ushers are watching too

It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I think I love you
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’m hoping you love me too

Hoping so hard that I need to escape
And calm down my heart to a regular pace
But I miss your hand on my knee
What a wonderful way 

It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I leave the theater, it’s light out, it’s light out
It’s a perfect day for a matinee
And I’ll call you later, tell you what the movie was about

And you’ll laugh and ask why I went alone
And I’ll lie and say I thought everybody’d already seen that one
But you would have gone
You would have gone
Oh you would have, you would have gone




If it's not clear from the lyrics, let's review. Girl. Likes a boy. But she goes to the movies. Alone. And all she does is think of the boy she's in love with. And when she finally calls him, what does she do? Does she cut the crap and tells him she loves him? NO.  Does she invite him out to the movies?  NO.  She lies.  The sad thing is, sometimes it's easier that way.

This is another one of those songs that clearly needs to be listened to over and over again for maximum effect.  Preferably with wine.  Better yet, go to a matinee.  Then listen to this all day.

Then of course, deny everything.  Including the crush.  And remember, never make someone a priority if you're just an option.

In Which Our Hero Discusses the Rapture

As you all well know, gentle readers, according to 89-year-old Harold Camping, the world will be ending this Saturday, May 21st.  Although Camping originally indicated that the world would end at 6:00pm local time, he has since backed away from that original claim and now indicates that he's not sure of the specific hour.  Anyway, since there's so much confusion over the impending Rapture, I've prepared this little primer to help guide you through the most immediate concerns.  Read on, cats and kittens, and discover the secrets of the apocalypse.

1.  How did we get May 21, 2011 as the date of the Rapture?
The answer should be through math.  However, based on my research, it's unclear what sort of math we're talking about here, and it's possible that dividing by zero is involved.

Here's the math, reported by Yahoo:

Here's the gist of Camping's calculation: He believes Christ was crucified on April 1, 33 A.D., exactly 722,500 days before May 21, 2011. That number, 722,500, is the square of 5 x 10 x 17. In Camping's numerological system, 5 represents atonement, 10 means completeness, and seventeen means heaven. "Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story," Camping said on his Oakland-based talk show, Family Radio, last year. "It's the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you're completely saved."


Alright...so...we're not sure where he got the 5, 10, and 17 from, but sure we'll go with that.


Wait, what's that you say?  That's not how it works?  This is how it works, according to the International Business Times:


He added 7,000 years to the great flood date of 4990 B.C. to determine the date of the next destruction of humanity.

That would put us in the approximate millennium  but what about the day? 

Camping relies on  Genesis 7:11, explaining that the flood occurs "on the seventeenth day of the second month." Using the standard Hebrew Calendar this all makes for May 21, 2011.

Wait...the...how...seriously?  We're not even sure how we got to this date and we're supposed to all just sort of go with it?  I mean, if you're gonna predict the end of the world, can't you at least keep the numbers straight?  Or is it gay numbers that got us into this mess in the first place?

2.  What does the Bible say about the date of the Rapture?
Contrary to what you might have heard, the Bible does not give an exact date for the Rapture.  But let's get the easy stuff out of the way first:  The Old Testament contains 1,800 verses prophesy the Lord's return, and the New Testament adds another 300 to the mix.

As we should alway do, let's turn directly to the source.  Note, all quotations are from the King James Bible, so translations may vary:

"Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.  But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my father only." - Matthew 24:35-36

"But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you.  For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night." - 1 Thess 5:1-2

"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." - 2 Peter 3:10

So it goes pretty much without saying that the day of the Lord's coming isn't something that can be pinned down.  In fact, at least according to Matthew, not even Jesus himself knows the day.  And a thief in the night certainly isn't going to tell you the day or the time he's going to rob you.

I still want to know how she stole the Great Wall of China like a thief in the night.

3.  What is this Rapture anyway and what are my chances of being Raptured?
"For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:  Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord." - 1 Thess 4: 16-17.

Basically, according to the Bible, upon the Lord's coming, the faithful, both the living and the dead, will be carried up into heaven.  That's it.  Those few verses are the basis for all of this.  And the Left Behind series.  All of it.  2 verses.

Anyway, according to Camping, 200 million "good Christians" will be Raptured.  Now let's go with that number for a minute.  200 million.  Now look back at the Bible.  And back at the number.  200 million good Christians.  Alive and dead.  Total.  Of all the humans who have lived in the entire span of history, 200 million.  Yeah.  Your chances are small.  And even if we limit to just the last 2000 years, your chances are still small.  Even smaller if you're not, say, Christian.

But as a disclaimer, that 200 million number isn't anywhere in the Bible.  Just like we're not sure where he got the whole 5x10x17 thing.  It's not in there.  I looked.

This is the very first result in a Google image search for "Good Christian."  Take that as you will.

4.  What does the Bible say about "prophecies" that don't come true?
Self, that's a very good question.  The Bible is quite specific on issues of prophecy and false prophets.

"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously:  thou shalt not be afraid of him." - Deu 18:22

Camping predicted the Rapture in 1994.  He claimed it didn't come to pass because of a mathematical error.  Given that, at least according to the Bible, if a prophet prophecies and it does not come to pass, he's a false prophet. . .

5.  Talking about the end of the world is fun!  Is there a good word for it?
Yes.  Eschatology:  The study of the end of the world  And your conversations are thus, eschatalogical discussions.  It's a great word and should be used quite frequently.  I suggest using it a lot on May 20.

In Which Our Hero Wraps Up Eurovision 2011

Well, cats and kittens, another edition of the Eurovision Song Contest is behind us, and what a long strange trip it's been.  From fake boy bands from the UK to Irish twins to Greek rappers, this year's contest has truly memorable.  Here's your intrepid hero's recap, thoughts, comments, and lessons we've learned.  And as always, there's plenty of videos.

No story about Eurovision 2011 can start without talking about the surprise winner.  In the weeks leading up to the competition, betting odds favored France, with the UK and Estonia playing spoiler.  Then, suddenly, along came the Crayola Twins from Ireland, Jedward, rocketing up to second place just behind the UK.  As of the morning of the Grand Finale, at least according to the bookies, the competition was between Blue and Jedward. Then what happened?  Jedward came in at 8th, Blue dropped to 11th, France came in at 15th, and Estonia tumbled down to 24th.  And our winner...Azerbaijan!! (??)  Here's your winner:  Ell & Nikki performing "Running Scared":

So what happened?  First and foremost, I'll go on record to say that the first time I heard this song, I thought it was nice, but nothing super special.  But as I've listened to it more and more, it's grown on me, a lot.  It's catchy, it's pretty, and they staged it well.

But a closer look at the points reveals something.

[A note on Eurovision voting for those not in the know:  Each country votes on their favorite act, although a country cannot vote for itself.  The votes are  combined with a score from a panel of jurists from each country, and the highest scorer receives 12 points ("douze pointe" in French).  The next highest scorer gets 10, 8, etc....]

Azerbaijan only got 12 pwah pointe from three countries.  Four other acts, including Jedward, got three douze pwahs, Italy took home four, and Bosnia took home five.  This certainly wasn't the runaway of "Fairytale" from 2009, but even Lena last year captured nine douze pwahs.  Russia in 2008 captured seven, and Serbia in 2007 also took nine.  So what gives?

Azerbaijan captured four 10s and and ten 8s.  Comparatively, second place Italy took home five 10s and only one 8.  Bosnia only took two 10s and one 8, while third place Sweden complemented its two douze pwahs with seven 10s.  Jedward on the other hand, only took two 10s, and in fact, only scored points from 17 countries.  Azerbaijan scored points from 30 countries.

So it may not necessarily be that Azerbaijan, as nice as the song was, was everyone's clear favorite.  It's just that enough people liked it enough to win.  And while Jedward has the same number of high scores as Azerbaijan, it seemed more of a love it or hate it thing.  And that was probably their downfall.

So what else did we learn from Eurovision 2011?

1.  Celine Dion has returned to the Eurovision stage again.  Oh wait, no, it's just Kati Wolf from Hungary.  Our mistake.

Seriously, it's kind of creepy.  The way she holds the mic, the hair, the voice, the lip quiver.  Kati Wolf to Vegas?

We also believe she was robbed.  She deserved higher than 22nd.  She at least deserved higher than Finland.

2.  Azerbaijan turned it out.  Blue didn't.
Say what you will about Ell & Nikki.  They hit their performance.  Blue on the other hand...it was...actually kind of sad, really.

Maybe had the vocals been there, perhaps it could have done better.  Instead it just sounded like a mediocre song by a boy band that's gotten a little too old for that title.  Oh wait...

3.  Iceland perhaps had the best story that nobody knows
If you watched Iceland's performance, you'd probably be thinking, "What is this on my screen?"  But the story behind the performance is perhaps one of the most sadly under-reported story of the competition.  In January, Sigurjon "Sjonni" Brink passed away mere days before he was to perform this song in the Iceland national selection finals.  So his friends did what any group would do.  They scrambled together and decided to perform the song in Sjonni's honor.  They won in Iceland and placed 20th overall in Germany.

4.  Lena's a badass.  Seriously.
Lena won handily last year with "Satellite," in the second largest margin of victory ever.  She was 18 at the time.

She returned this year to compete again.  And pulled out one hell of a performance, placing 10th overall.  We look forward to seeing if she'll try to win again in the future, but even if she doesn't, "Taken By a Stranger" will remain one of the best songs from 2011.

5.  Dana International got a raw deal
Finally, speaking of former winners and being robbed, Dana International at least deserved to make it out of the semi-final.  It's a shame really, that Jedward and Eric Saade made it through the second semi-final, leaving her behind.  Especially Jedward.

Seriously.  Here's the live version if there's any doubt left in your mind.

And really, that brings us to the end.  There's more videos to talk about, to be sure, but at some point we have to draw a line.  At least for now.  Who knows?  Perhaps there will be more commentary to come.  Feel free to drop a comment with your own favorite songs, thoughts, or comments.

But for now, I'll sign off from Eurovision 2011 in the only appropriate way.  With Moldova.

F***ed Up Friday Eurovision Edition: "Unsubstantial Blues" by Magdi Ruzsa

Note:  Blogger was down most of the day.  I apologize for the delay in posting.

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to F***ed up Friday, where we strive to find the best songs to deal with (or drive) your emotional crises.  Today, we have a very special Eurovision edition.

Now you may be thinking, haven't we spent the last week talking about how Eurovision is one big collection of drag queens, glitter, crazy costumes, Finish heavy metal, and post-colonial passive aggressiveness?  How on earth can ABBA help with my emotional development?

Presenting 2007's competitor from Hungary, Magdi Ruzsa.  Who?  Quickly, to the wikis!  Sometimes called the Hungarian version of Janis Joplin (hmmmmm....potential FUF there), Ruzsa was discovered in 2005 by winning the Hungarian version of American Hungarian Idol.  She then went on to compete for Hungary in Eurovision in 2007, where she placed 9th overall (the highest placing for Hungary ever) and won the 2007 award for best songwriter.

From the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest, this week's selection is "Unsubstantial Blues" by Hungary's Magdi Ruzsa.

Now if you've been cheated on, you can stop right now.  Crack open a bottle of wine and put this song on repeat.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.  If you have effigies to burn, that's even better.

For those of us who haven't been cheated on (if you're the cheater, stop reading right now and don't come back), "Unsubstantial Blues" should still find its way into your emotional roller coaster playlist.  Let's take a closer look.

How many times have you fooled me and denied that

It's her who you love, and it sure isn't me?

So now that it's over, I'll try and take it sober

Leave questions unasked, remember us laughing at the broken past

God, if I could make it on without you

You're such a casual man, oh, wavin' an empty hand

I'm helpless and I'm lonely without you

Yes, you're a casual man, lendin' an empty hand

Left me breathless with nothing more to lose

I used to dream we'd take it nice and easy

Get jobs, settle down in Jameson Town

If now you could see me, you'd think twice about leaving

You said forever is the time you gonna spend around

So why did you leave me?

And why should I believe it?

You say goodbye

Oh, why, oh... why you leave me?

Said, why?

You're such a casual man, oh, wavin' an empty hand

I'm helpless and I'm lonely without you

You're such a casual man, lendin' an empty hand

Left me breathless with nothing more to lose

Casual man, lendin' an empty hand

Left me breathless with nothing more to lose

Except an evanescent unsubstantial blues

So whether you've been cheated on, broken up with, or just realized that things aren't going to work out...this song speaks to your broken heart.  It shifts seamlessly from dreams to heart broken reality, from finding those moments of strength ("If now you could see me, you'd think twice of leaving") to those moments of pure pain ("I'm helpless and I'm lonely without you").  It goes from acceptance to questioning and back again.  And in the end, she captures the true essence of what FUF is here to help you deal with...that feeling not of anger or of hurt...just just an evanescent unsubstantial blues.

As a bonus, here is the live version from Eurovision 2007:

In Which Our Hero Notes the Most Compelling Eurovision 2011 Storylines

Well, today's the day, cats and ktitens.  The first semifinal of Eurovision 2011 will begin in a few hours and we can't be more excited.  And so without further ado, we present two of most compelling story lines from this year's competition and then what you really came for.

1.  The Return of Dana International

While many contestants have attempted to win Eurovision more than once, only Johnny Logan from Ireland has actually succeeded.  Two former winners will attempt the feat this year.  First is Germany's Lena, who, if she won, would be the first back to back winner.

However, the more compelling storyline may be Israel's Dana International, who won a very tight three way race in 1998 with her song "Diva."

Dana is arguably one of the most famous transsexual celebrities in the world.  When she was selected to represent Israel in 1998, many Orthodox Jews and other conservative groups attempted to void her participation.  Upon winning, Dana commented "My victory proves God is on my side. I want to send my critics a message of forgiveness and say to them: try to accept me and the kind of life I lead. I am what I am and this does not mean I don't believe in God, and I am part of the Jewish Nation."

2.  The End of the Big Four Curse

One of the critiques of Eurovision has traditionally been the problem of bloc voting; that is, countries that are politically aligned or share similar cultures will vote for each other, regardless of talent.  Since each country's vote is weighed the same, the largest countries (also known as "The Big Four/Five"), namely France, the UK, Germany, Spain, and Italy (recently added), were unable to garner enough votes to secure victories.

Recently, Eurovision has introduced a jury system designed to arguably limit the effects of bloc voting.  And perhaps it seems to be working.  Germany's Lena won last year, the first Big Four/Five winner since 1997.  And current betting odds (yes, you can bet on the Eurovision outcome) shows the most likely winner to be France, followed closely by the UK.

And that's enough for the stories.  You've really come here for the music, so let's take a look at some of this year's entries.

"Corobon" - Nina (Serbia)

We're a fan of the 60s vibe.  While it may not be Lordi, it's certainly fun.

"Popular" - Eric Saade (Sweden)

We didn't realize that Justin Bieber was competing.  Then again, if this means The Bieb will be staying in Europe and not returning to our side of the pond for a while, we approve.

"Rockefeller Street" - Getter Jaani (Estonia)

The song most likely to crash the UK/France fight for first.  It's catchy and it could have just enough girls, glitter, and pyrotechnics to send Blue packing.

"Lipstick" - Jedward (Ireland)

Every time I get a little faith in humanity, things like this happen.  And that's all I'm going to say about it.

"Sognu" - Amaury Vassilli (France)

The favorite to win.  Whether or not you're an opera fan, you've gotta be amazed...the kid's only 21.

And finally...

"In Love For a While" - Anna Rossinelli (Switzerland)

One of our hero's personal favorites.  It's one of those songs that just makes you feel happy.

You can check out all of the participant profiles and videos here.  Enjoy!

In Which Our Hero Introduces You to Eurovision

This originally appeared in the Georgetown Law Weekly and was written by my friend Nicky and I.


If you’re craving fabulous costumes, cheesy Europop, incredibly high heels, overdone drag queens, and ridiculously choreographed performances, you don’t have to wait for the High Heel Race in October or even the Republican Convention. Instead, tune into the Eurovision Song Contest this May.

The format of Eurovision is simple. Each country that is part of the European Broadcasting Union submits one song to be performed live and then casts votes to determine the winner. Think of it as the American Idol of Europe, but without Paula Abdul. The contest has been broadcasted every year since 1956, making it one of the longest running television broadcasts in history.

Of course, you may be thinking, “Why Eurovision? I can get all I want from American Idol and I can even TiVo through Paula.” However, a simple side by side comparison will demonstrate Eurovision’s utter domination of its American fanny-packed counterpart.

First and foremost, Eurovision is not just a song contest; it is also a tool of diplomacy. After all, in the aggregate, it’s better for European countries to express their national pride through craptacular music instead of, oh say, war. To paraphrase Eisenhower, the best response to war is a big bunch of peace with a healthy dollop of ill advised mulletry, bell bottoms, Swedish thrash metal and incoherent warbling in multiple languages.

There are also pirates!  "Wolves of the Sea" from Latvia (2008)

Occasionally the unbridled diplopop becomes too much for the participants to bear, and in the heat of the 'nul point' moment, certain countries have been known to install a technological blockade (as in, cut the feed). See e.g. Jordan cutting the cable when Israel was up a few bedazzler points in 1978 (when Israel won, Jordan reported that Belgium had taken the “prize”).

Second, while your gay, and apparently tone deaf, friends may swoon at such Idol competitors as Kelly Clarkson and Chris Daughtry, even they must admit that these poptastic wannabes cannot hold a hetero-flexible candle to the fabulousity of Eurovision winners Celine Dion and ABBA.

Not to mention 2006 winner, Lordi (Finland)

Additionally, while we may wish and pray that singers on American Idol simply sing instead of dance (or rather flail around as most are wont to do), Eurovision is based on pageantry. Fierce costumes (which more often than not venture into the realm of tranny hot mess), garish sets, swooping camera angles (all “expertly” choreographed), and tort-tastic pyrotechnics are the norm. In fact, while ear plugs are recommended, they are not required, and some of the competitors can actually belt out a tune.

Ireland tried to win with a singing turkey in 2008

Some may argue that nothing can come close to the drama of American Idol voting (witness, for example, the sheer outrage after Jennifer Hudson’s early exit in Season 3). But, again, we Americans have nothing on our formal imperial overlords. In Eurovision, each country votes independently, awarding 12 points to the winner of its own popular vote. Of course, this means that Malta has the same say as Germany, with expected results.

And then there’s the dilemma of bloc voting, with politically aligned countries accused of voting for each other regardless of the musical “talent” of the act, causing rich countries to argue that despite giving the most money to the competition (namely the “Big Four”: The UK, France, Spain, and Germany), they have no chance of winning (of course, one wonders why the UK even thought they could do well with a song, “Flying the Flag (For You)” by Scooch that featured vague sexual references in airline safety announcements: “Blow into the tube. . .We wish you a pleasurable flight”).

Apparently nobody wanted the French hippie on a golf cart to win in 2008

Finally, because of post-colonial guilt, certain countries feel the need to give their votes to their minion countries (such as the UK to Ireland). However, in the truest sense of sticking it to the man, these little countries don’t return the favor. And what’s at stake? The winning country gets to host next year’s Eurovision, giving them loads of tourism revenue! Perhaps the voters are really voting for where they want to take their next vacation. . .

Of course, no competition is complete without commentary (remember Mike O’Malley on GUTS), and nobody is better than acerbic Brit Terry Wogan, who puts his Idol counterpart Simon to shame. After all, while Simon may call someone the worst singer in the world, Terry goes above and beyond that, calling fellow contest officials idiots and really just mocking the entire thing (he’s been banned for Denmark since apparently the Danes don’t share his sense of humor after he called the Danish hosts of one show “Dr. Death and the Tooth Fairy”). Chris Tarrant, another British television host, noted “Terry Wogan's commentary is why any sane person would choose to watch the Eurovision.” In fact, it’s the best reason to watch Eurovision.

Editor's note:  The following content is new and never seen before!


So what can we expect from this year’s show?  With Eurovision it's hard to tell what will happen.  In 2006, Lordi jumped into the winner's circle with "Hard Rock Hallelujiah."  The following year Serbia's Marija Serifovic’s upset heavily-favored Ukrainian drag queen Verka Serduchka (only when talking about Eurovision can you legitimately use the phrase “heavily-favored Ukrainian drag queen").  

Heavily favored Ukranian drag queen Verka Serduchka

Russia captured the crown in 2008 with a piece featuring an Olympic figure skating gold medalist prancing around on stage.  Norway took the crown in 2009 with a fiddle player, and Germany finally broke the Big 4 curse in 2010.  Will there be another ABBA? We don’t know. But we can guarantee that the heels will be high, the lyrics will be cheesy, and Terry Wogan will be as cynical as ever!


You can catch all the action by streaming online at www.eurovision.tv!  Enjoy the show and stay tuned to The All-True and Accurate Confessions, as we bring you a more in depth preview of this year's competition, as well as a special Eurovision F***ed Up Friday!

F***ed Up Friday: "Putting the Damage On" by Tori Amos

Welcome back to F***ed Up Fridays, were your intrepid hero will
provide you will all the songs you need to deal with your
relationships (or lack thereof) and other emotional crises that
inevitably crop up in your search for love and/or sexytimes.

Today’s selection is the perfect song for when you don’t necessarily
want to be happy, but you haven’t quite descended into cutting your
wrist territory yet.  Much like Dido, who kicked off this weekly
adventure, this week’s artist will likely also grace us with her
presence many times.

From her 1996 album "Boys For Pele," this week's selection is "Putting the Damage On" by Tori Amos:

As Tori herself stated, when discussing PTDO, "And of course Damage
speaks for itself. The song, being herself damaged, it's trying to
teach myself about graciousness, and I have such a hard time with
that. I have a very hard time. Damage was so essential for me to sing,
it's one of the most difficult ones for me. I can look and have love
and feelings for some of these people but... "  (Statement from the
B-Sides)

This perhaps is one of the best songs ever for the sad sad single.
It’s the song that just captures your feelings, the way that your
crush will just take your heart and rip it to shreds, sometimes
without even knowing it.  And even though you know they’re bad news,
they still look pretty as they’re putting the damage on.

In many ways, though, PTDO isn’t just about the song.  It’s the
experience of listening to the song that’s most important.  And as I
may have spent many an hour listening to this song, including during
the saga of the Super Cute Bartender (see….), I am an expert when it
comes to it.  So without further ado, here are the most important
things to know when it comes to truly experiencing PTDO.

Step 1:  You must be alone.
This is not the type of song that you can listen to with others
around.  You must be alone, consumed in your own thoughts, pining over
the person who you want to get out of your head, but all you can think
about is how you have tickets to their show, but they don’t seem to
care.  In fact, this song is most appropriately listened to when
you’re alone just after having interacted with the object of your
affection.  Or bitched, whined, moaned and complained about the object
of your affection to someone else, they've told you to get over it,
you agree, and then you immediately go back to pining.  Alone.

The answer to Ann's eternal question:  PTDO

Step 2:  You must be under the effects of some substance
Whether you’re just in from drinking because you have the hots for a
bartender or you were out on the town with your friends because you
need to get over your crush, this song is not for the sober.  In fact,
the most ideal time to listen to the song is when you’re alone (see
step 1) and you’ve opened up a bottle of wine just for yourself.
Bonus points if you’re drinking straight out of the bottle.  Hard
liquor also works well here.

And for those of you who do not drink, not to worry.  Our good friends
Ben & Jerry or just plain old chocolate will do the trick.  So will
some greasy take out.  Basically, the point here is that you must be
eating or drinking your feelings in some way.  And if you’re some
crazy vegan pinko hippie who can’t do any of this, well, you have more
problems than wishing for your best impression of your best Angie
Dickinson.

Lifetime:  Television for Women and Fags
If it's appropriate for watching one of these, it's appropriate for PTDO.

Step 3:  You must be in the dark
This is most easily accomplished if it’s late at night after some
tryst at a bar (preferably where you encountered/stalked your crush).
However, if the evil daystar is still up, don’t worry.  Take a cue
from Dido and close the blinds and shut the door.  Don’t even light a
candle.  Just sit there in the dark.  Alone.

Step 4:  Put aside at least 30 minutes
PTDO isn’t the kind of song you just listen to once.  Oh no, gentle
readers.  This is the type of song that you put on repeat.  And you
listen to it over and over and over.  We’re talking listening to it to
the point that you’re not 100% sure where in the song you are since
it’s just kind of all blending together.  Now while having some form
of automatic repeat is good, the true PTDO experience comes from
listening to the song and then manually starting it over again.

Step 5:  Wallow
That’s right.  Let the self pity come out.  Just close your eyes and
think of how pretty they are, and how they constantly just put the
damage on.  Then listen to it again and again and again.

Step 6:  Denial
If anyone asks, you’ve never spent an hour listening to PTDO while
thinking about your crush.  In fact, that crush.  Totally over it.  It
wasn’t even a REAL crush at all.  Just a silly infatuation.

It really is a river in Egypt!

If you don’t have this handy guide, just remember this rule of thumb:
If there is anything getting in the way of your PTDO pity party,
you’re doing it wrong.

Stay tuned next week when we bring you another song for your emotional
needs.  Have a suggestion?  Let me know.