The All-True and Accurate Confessions of Spike, Single Male: F***ed Up Friday: "Don't Leave Home" by Dido

Welcome to F***ed up Friday. In this (soon to be) weekly segment, I shall be providing you with the music you need to handle whatever emotional crisis you may be facing. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, this will be your guide to navigating the myriad songs bombarding you and help you find that perfect tune to fit your mood.

Our inaugural song on FUF goes to a likely regular, Dido.

Don't let the sweet smile food you. She WILL cut you.

Now I must start by stating that I have never met Dido in person. From my understanding, she is happily married and is, in fact, with child (I was originally going to use the word “impregnated” but I felt that that just sounds like the result of an alien abduction). However, I have an ~~irrational~~ completely rational fear that one day, Dido is going to break into my apartment, cut me with a razor, and leave me bleeding on my hardwood floor (which will likely mean I don’t get my security deposit back should I survive said cutting). How do I know this? Because I listen to Dido’s music.

Our selection today is from Dido’s 2003 album “Life for Rent”: “Don’t Leave Home.”

At first glance, this sounds like quite a romantic song. After all, with lyrics such as “If you’re cold, I’ll keep you warm/If you’re low, just hold on/’Cause I will be your safety” in the chorus, this sounds more like the ideal first dance song than a song for FUF. HA! Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Verse the First:

Like a ghost don’t need a key

Your best friend I’ve come to be

Please don’t think of getting up for me

You don’t even need to speak

Ok, a little creepy, but nothing too crazy yet. The whole “I’ll just come over whenever I want…shhhhh don’t say anything” smacks of some potential desperation and/or cray cray, but really, there’s worse out there.

When I’ve been here for just one day

You’ll already miss me if I go away

Getting creepy. . .Perhaps it’s time to start moving towards the door. . .wait…why is the door not opening? Because. . .

So close the blinds and shut the door

You won’t need other friends anymore

Oh don’t leave home

WAIT WHAT?! Did she just…how did we go from romantic if slightly cray cray Dido to full out Kathy-Bates-in-Misery? We have officially entered stalkerville. This isn’t healthy. She’s literally telling her lover “I will cut you off from the rest of the world and you’ll like it. And don’t even try to think of escaping.” It’s only a hop skip and a jump from “Close the blinds and shut the door” to “I will cut you if you try to leave me.”

Note…I have an urge to remix this song, except right after the line “shut the door,” I want the sound of a lock turning. You know, a nice ka-chunk. Can anyone do that for me?

The Chorus:

If you’re cold, I’ll keep you warm

And if you’re low, just hold on

‘Cause I will be your safety

Oh don’t leave home

Not so romantic now is it? No…it’s the words of a crazy person who’s locked you in her house and will cut you should you try to leave.

Verse the Second:

I arrived when you were weak

I’ll make you weaker like a child

Now all your love you give to me

When your heart is all I need

Oh don’t leave home

Wait…isn’t love supposed to make us stronger. Lift us up where we belong, where eagles fly and all that jazz. Not when you’re in a relationship with someone so crazy that she’s locked you in your house and has refused to let you have other friends. And will cut you if you try to leave.

Then we go to the (crazy) chorus again and finally to the bridge, which cements that this relationship is bad news.

The Bridge:

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be

When it’s just you and little me

Everything is clear and everything is new

So you won’t be leaving will you?

There’s not much more I can say except to just point to those words and then refer to the locked door and how she’s sucked all your strength out of you. I like to imagine that last line is less a plea for her lover to stay and more one of those rhetorical questions she asks when she’s holding a knife.

The cover art for Dido's upcoming album

So what did we learn from this? First, if you’re listening to this song and thinking “Hey that sounds like my significant other,” turn off your computer and flee. Don’t take time to feed the cat. Don’t bother packing a bag. Just flee. You don’t know if your SO has already changed the locks or if he or she is currently stocking up on razor blades. You can buy new clothes. But not if you’re locked up forever with a psychopath.

And if you’re thinking “Hey that sounds like the sorts of things I do and/or want to say to my significant other” or even worse “I’m single, but I would like to say that to somebody” then…well…yeah I think you may have some problems. You need to get over the cray cray, let your significant other out of the house, and get a new hobby. Like blogging.

Just remember this handy tip if you don’t have time to listen to Dido to decide if your relationship is romantic or just plain crazy: It’s not romance if they’re chained to the bed and you threaten to cut them should they attempt to contact the outside world.