In Which Our Intrepid Hero Learns That a Fake Boy Band Is Actually Real

As you all know, Eurovision is less than two weeks away.  While I am planning on posting an entire Eurovision preview, including a full introduction to Eurovision for the unenlightened masses among you, in conducting my research, I came upon a little bit of information that I just had to share.

So, remember Bill Nighy's storyline in Love, Actually?  The washed up rocker, Billy Mack, is attempting to make a comeback by securing the number one Christmas single.  He then realizes that his hetero-life mate is his fat manager, Joe, but that's besides the point.  All that stands between Billy and his dream is a crappy little boy band called Blue.  Here's the scene in case you forgot.

For those of you looking for the full scene, including subtitles in a random language, you can see it all here:
http://youtu.be/c2mVtSyRcA8

So I laughed at the scene and then promptly forgot about Blue entirely.  Until I found out...not only is Blue a real group...but it's competing for the United Kingdom in Eurovision 2011...and the odds of Blue winning are 6:1, only behind current favorite France's 5:1.  That's right!  Blue, of Love, Actually fame exists!

So in honor of Blue's attempt to join the ranks of Lordi, ABBA, Celine Dion, and Katrina and the Waves as Eurovision winners, I present to you why, despite what Love, Actually tells you, Blue the boy band is neither made up of boys, nor a band.

1.  There is no "boy" in this boy band

So look, let's be honest here.  Blue is really just NSync with a token black guy.

You're white, Justin.  Just deal with it.

But let's look at their ages.  The three white guys are 27, 29, and 33, and the token rounds out the group at 32.  That is an average age of 30.25 years.  That's not boy band.  I wouldn't call them a man band, but they're certainly not boy band.

2.  They've all been around the block a few times

I'm not one to argue that one shouldn't have all the sexytimes that one can get.  In fact, part of the appeal of the entire boy band genre is that they're SOOOOOO HOT and you want to have tons of sexytimes with them.  Now when it's 13 year old girls fawning over prepubescent boys, it's a little creepy, but still, in general, it's fine.

Now the fact that the members of Blue have had sexytimes isn't a problem.  Hell, without Justin's sexytimes, we wouldn't have been graced with either "Cry Me a River" or "Toxic."  And where would New York F-List "A-List" star Reichen be if he wasn't Lance Bass's leftovers?  But see, unlike JT, who did the dirty with Brit Brit and then moved on, each one of them impregnated some floozy.  That's right...each and every member of Blue is a baby daddy!  That just...doesn't seem to quite fit the whole boy band vibe.

3.  Their scandals just aren't that good

So close your eyes and think about all the scandals of NSync.  We've got the aforementioned JT/Brit Brit tryst.  And then there was the shocking news that Lance Bass was a friend of Dorothy!

In other news, water is wet

What scandals does Blue have?  Well...Token really doesn't have any.  White guy #1 met his baby momma on Myspace.  I suppose that could be scandalous.  Oh, white guy #2 is apparently bisexual.

Shocking new development:  Pope is Catholic!

So it's up to you white guy #3 to bring us the scandal that all boy bands need.  A quick search of Wiki shows us that...you posed nude for a magazine!  Finally!  A scandal for the ages...except, oh wait...it was Cosmo?  Really?  REALLY?  That's your scandal?!  You took your clothes off for the same magazine Scott freaking Brown posed "nude" for?

Wait you said you have more scandals for us?  Oh do tell!  There are pictures of you doing something scandalous in public you say?  Sexytimes?  Snorting coke?  Urinating...urinating...seriously?  Your scandal is that someone took a picture of you when you couldn't find a port-a-potty?  I'm shocked.  Shocked I say!

Sigh...

Needless to say, none of them play their own instruments.  It's unclear if any of them even know what an instrument is.

So there you have it folks.  Welcome to England, where the boy band members are old, baby daddies, and can't even have a decent scandal.  Well, I hear Brit Brit is looking for a way to make it big again but I'm sure even she has standards.

In closing, I have two videos for your viewing pleasure.  First, Blue's attempt to take the Eurovision crown.

Second, a previous boy band's attempt to win it all.  By point of comparison, the average age of D'Nash when they competed in Eurovision 2007 was 24.5, and at least according to Wiki, they were the first Spanish boy band ever.

And stay tuned for our intrepid hero's full preview of Eurovision 2011.