F***ed Up Friday: "Lover I Don't Have to Love" by Bright Eyes

So we come to another Friday, and despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break it my heart my best intentions, I've not managed to actually get a non-FUF blog together.  Blame it on working too much, or the heat (it's currently stupid hot here in NYC...last I checked 104 and rising), or just general life getting in the way.

Did I mention it's stupid hot out?

This week's FUF song is another one of those good staples, and much like Dido, Tori, and several others, is likely destined to be a repeat FUFer.  Sometimes we want love.  Other times we just want to make out.  This song is for when we're in the second mood.

Today's FUF selection is "Lover I Don't Have to Love" by Bright Eyes;

I picked you out
Of a crowd and talked to you
Said I liked your shoes
You said thanks can I follow you?
So it's up the stairs
And out of view
No prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name you asked the time

(I really like that last line...it's so...tragically depressing in a way)

Now it's two o'clock,
the club is closed we're up the block
Your hands on me
I'm pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth
Trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet me here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
You said it feels good I said I'll give it a try

Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning
Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers
They just play tragic
And the phone's ringing
And the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching
Let's just keep keep singing

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
I do! I do!
Then hurt me.

I like the shift in the last verse from vaguely depressing casualty to actual potential feelings...yet also the underlying difficulty of having a relationship in the first place.  It's basically the difference between what you think you want and what you actually wind up finding.  Oh love...so strange and confusing.

But now for something a bit happier, since that's perhaps the most depressing song ever.  This is another Bright Eyes song, but I like the view of hope in it.  And the video is freaking adorable!  See you next week!

"Bowl of Oranges" by Bright Eyes:

F***ed Up Friday: There's a Fine, Fine Line

There's a different between your head and your heart.  Sometimes your head is screaming "This girl is perfect for you," but your heart just kind of shrugs.  Other times, your brain (and sometimes your friends) are slapping you and telling you to just get over the boy, and your heart is just sitting there like a pouty schoolgirl refusing to budge.

Hands up if that's ever happened to you?  Yeah...thought so.

Unfortunately, I'm much more likely to fall into the second camp.  I crush easily, but then I tend to get over my crushes fairly quickly eventually.  But sometimes you just need to kick start your heart.

This is one of my favorite songs for getting over a crush.  Yes, it's show tunes, but deal ok.  It's my blog, I'll fall into whatever stereotypes I want ^_^  Today's selection is "There's a Fine, Fine Line" from Avenue Q.

There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time

There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime

But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.

Emphasis added.

As we've discussed, love and relationships and crushes and feelings are weird.  Strange.  And so many times, completely and totally irrational.  But just because they're irrational doesn't mean we don't want them just the same.  And it doesn't mean they're not there, even if we wish they weren't.

So anyway...there's the head space.  It's now a matter of dealing with it.

F***ed Up Friday: Two Little Tidbits

Welcome back cats and kittens to another edition of F***ed Up Friday.  Unfortunately I don't have a full update for you as I am currently on vacation (I know right?  Since when do lawyers take vacations?).

In fact, this update is being written on Tuesday morning and (hopefully) scheduled to post on Friday.  Ooooooh time travel.

But never fear, I won't let you down, gentle readers, who seek creepy emotional stalker music!

First....domestic abuse is punishable by law, we all know that.  But did you know it's also punishable under United States military law?  The United States Marine Corp has a guide for helping commanding officers decide what level of intervention is necessary and the goals of said intervention should a member of the Marines be involved in domestic abuse.

Let's take a look at Level IV out of V.  Hmmm..."Significant use of non-accidental physical force . . Threats to kill, maim, or seriously harm victim or victim’s family, friends, or pets. . .Stalking."  Oh...and threatening suicide.  We go up to Level V and we have prolonged stalking, actually killing or maiming of the pets, and serious threats of suicide.

You hear that, Bruno Mars?  Even the Marines think your threats to jump on grenades and hack of limbs is akin to stalking and significant use of non-accidental force.  You need serious help.

Second...apparently people still find "Every Breath You Take" romantic.  It's apparently still a wedding song.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?  SERIOUSLY?!

When asked by he appears angry in the music video, Sting responded "I think the song is very, very sinister and ugly and people have actually misinterpreted it as being a gentle, little love song."


Here we go!  Quick quiz!


"Oh can't you see, you belong to me."

 "It was impossible… to stop. Impossible. But I did. I must love you."

One of those lines is from Sting.  One is from Twilight.  Can you tell them apart?

Again, we're in Level IV/Level V territory.  I can't believe I have to say this!


Anyway, it's time for vacation!  See you on the flipside.  And just remember, if you want to stalk your current crush, please leave Fluffy and Binkykins out of it.  But remember to have your pets spayed and neutered.  Bob Barker would appreciate it.

F***ed Up Friday: "White Flag" by Dido

Welcome back, cats and kittens.  It's Friday already.  And since it's a beautiful Friday and just a few hours separates us from a sunny three day weekend (if you're in Canada, it's already the weekend...Happy Canada Day!), I won't make any reference to that Friday song.

Instead, it's time to turn inward and examine our own emotional needs and the crazy songs that go with it.  However, I've started to notice a trend:  No matter who we're talking about, the topic usually devolves into discussions of how Dido will cut you or that vampirism does not make stalking sexy (especially when said stalker is a creepy pedophile).  So I've just decided to cut all the pretense and cut right to the chase:  Dido cutting a vampire.

From her 2003 album "Life For Rent," today's FUF selection is "White Flag" by Dido:

First of all, before we go any further.  The whole wall of pictures?  The wall of pictures that both of them have?  Yeah...unhealthy creepy stalker behavior.  Moving on...

So who is tall, dark and brooding?  Yep, that's Angel himself, David Boreanaz, the original emo vampire stalker.  And before you get all crabby about how dare I make any inference that Angel and Edward Cullen are similar, let's take a look at the facts, shall we?

1.  They're both stalkers:  Now yes, granted, Angel at least asked before he snuck into Buffy's window, but let's be honest, Angel did kind of follow her around...a lot.  Like a stalker.  So one's a creepy stalker, the other is just a slightly less creepy stalker.  To-may-to, To-mah-to.

2.  They're both cradle robbers:  Edward is 119 or something like that.  Bella was in high school.  Angel's several hundred year's old.  Buffy's in high school.  Nuff said.

3.  Bad hair.

"His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he'd just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful."  ~ Is this a description of Edward or Angel...it's tough to tell

Of course, regardless of how absolutely disturbing Edward and Angel are, they pale in comparison (hee I'm so punny) to the cray-cray of Dido.  Let's take a look

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

HA!  Like I'm going to believe that.  This is the same girl who once told us to close the blinds and shut the door, you won't need other friends anymore.  And she'll make us weaker like a child.  And asks quietly and calmly, "So you won't be leaving will you?"

Anyway, maybe she's changed her ways and decided NOT to cling to a relationship that's just doomed to failure.  That would be a first.  Let's read on and see.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Wait what?  Like 5 seconds ago you were saying how you were NOT trying to return to where you were before (locking them up in your basement?) and now you're singing about how you refuse to let the love die?  This is not the attitude of someone who's moved on.  This is the attitude of a woman with a knife threatening to cut you if you try to leave her.

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Yes, Dido, because see here in the real world, we do these things called "break ups."  That's when you realize that a specific relationship isn't going to work out and you end it.  You don't get Glenn Close-style creepy.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue

Oh good...so you're going to finally let it go...

And you will think
That I've moved on....
This...this is the creepiest line in the whole song.  Because while you think she's gotten over you, she's secretly planning on pulling a "Don't Leave Home" on you.  Just you wait.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

We get it.  The relationship may be over, but not for you.  Oh no.  You will love them.  You will love them so hard it hurts.  You will make them love you.  And if they won't you will make sure that they can never love anyone again...

You think she moved on.  That was your mistake.

Now before you all get all "Why are you picking on Dido?" I have to say that I do enjoy her music.  I have all her CDs.  But saying Dido's a little crazy is like saying some one's a little pregnant.

Now excuse me, I have to go close the blinds and shut the door.  If I sit alone in the dark, she won't find me...

F***ed Up Friday: "Untouchable Face" by Ani Difranco

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to another edition of F***ed Up Friday, music for your emotional needs.  In the past, we've examined songs about unrequited love, stalking, jealousy, stalking, longing, stalking, and hacking your arms off in an attempt to woo a murderer.  But sometimes those emotions and those sentiments aren't going to cut it.  Sometimes you don't want to have a pity party with wine and Tori Amos on repeat.  No...you want anger.  You want rage.  And no one does justifiable (or unjustifiable) anger better than a lesbian with a guitar.

They don't have a guitar, but they are lesbians.  And it gives me an excuse to post a Sailor Moon picture!

Today, we're going back in time to your intrepid hero's high school days.  Having moved on from The Cranberries, I needed something new.  Sure, I had my fling with Alanis (who will likely grace these pages someday soon), but it was Ani Difranco who seemed to bring my friends and I together the most.  As I think about it, I've seen her...I think 4 times in concert, all with different people.

Like many of our past and future FUFers, there are many a song that I could pick, and probably I will use many of hers in the future.  But this one is partly for sentimental reasons.  Sure it wasn't the first Ani song I ever listened to...but it was the first track on the first Ani CD I ever owned.

From her 1996 album "Dilate," today's FUF selection is "Untouchable Face" by Ani Difranco:

The first thing about the song is how...calm it is.  However, let's be honest.  While Dido's eerie calm is a way to lull you into security before she puts you under house arrest and threatens to cut you should you ever leave her, Ani's calm doesn't hide her true intentions.  Rather...it's just the slow burning seething.

Think I'm going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I don't want no one to follow me
Except maybe you
I could make you happy, you know
If you weren't already
I could do a lot of things
And I do

Totally my life story.  Honestly.  I'm the best person ever at finding out if some one's in a relationship, because if I like them, they totally are.  Or the plumbing won't work.*
*By which I mean the boy parts and girl parts aren't in the right ratio, if you get my drift...

Tell you the truth, I prefer the worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
She's not really my type
But I think you two are forever
And I hate to say it but you're perfect together

Ugh, but who hasn't said it?

Even this guy said it eventually.  Although then again, he fell in love with an infant, so he's probably not the best judge of who should be in a relationship with who.

So fuck you
And your untouchable face
Fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch?
Who am I?
Bet you can't even tell me that much

Preach it sister.  Who hasn't wanted to say that, at least once?

2:30 in the morning
My gas tank will be empty soon
Neon sign on the horizon
Rubbing elbows with the moon
Safe haven of the sleepless
Where the deep fryer's always on
Radio is counting down the top 20 country songs

Dive bar.  Bottle of wine on your couch.  What's the difference?

Out on the porch the fly strip is
Waving like a flag in the wind
You know I really don't look forward
To seeing you again soon


You look like a photograph of yourself
Taken from far, far away
I won't know what to do
I won't know what to say


So fuck you
And your untouchable face
Fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch?
Who am I?
Bet you can't even tell me that much

See you and I'm so perplexed
What was I thinking?

Amen, sister!

What will I think of next?
Where can I hide?
In the back room there's a lamp
That hangs over the pool table
And when the fan is on it swings
Gently side to side
There's a changing constellation
Of balls as we are playing
I see Orion and say nothing
The only thing I can think of saying


Is fuck you
And your untouchable face
Fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch?
Who am I?
Bet you can't even tell me that much

There really isn't all that much to say that hasn't already been said on the subject.  So instead of wallowing in self-pity watching Lifetime movies with a pint of ice cream and a bottle of Pinot Grigio, just give them the finger (literally or metaphorically) and move on.  Because if you reading this, gentle readers, you're probably too good for them anyway.

In Which Our Intrepid Hero Ponders His Past Relationships

As you probably can tell from the title of this amazing blog as well as various posts, our intrepid hero is single.  Quite single.  In New York.  And not the rocking awesome single from sitcoms and HBO, but the overworked-lack-of-sleep-don't-feel-like-going-out-would-rather-just-go-home-and-sleep single.

However, this wasn't always the case.  Last year I was in a long term relationship.  Things started off well.  I was excited to meet my new significant other.  I'd heard a lot about him, but we'd never really met face to face.  Things started a bit rocky as we started to get used to each other, but then things went smoothly.  Granted, sometimes we would grate on each other's nerves, like when I wanted him to speed up and he seemed to just take his sweet old time.  Then again, at times he would demand attention from me at the most inopportune times, like when I just wanted to watch TV or sleep or have some single time (which btw, I believe everyone, even those in relationships, should have).

Sometimes I wouldn't check in with him and then guilt would wash over me.  He never got angry, but I could always tell he was just...disappointed.  Anyway, what started out as a casual relationship soon became all consuming.  He seemed to follow me around constantly, always wanting my attention.  Even if I told him I would be away for a weekend and hence, unreachable, I would still have to check in with him the moment I got home.  There were no boundaries.  11 AM, 3 AM, 11 PM, it didn't matter.  When he called, I had to pick up.

Eventually, it came time for us to break up.  I remember the giddy excitement I had when we first met.  But when it came time to part ways, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I couldn't wait.  I actually still have some of his stuff, but I don't think he really cares.

If you're curious, here's his picture.

Also known as the Electronic Leash

When I broke up with my work Black Berry (and by broke up, I mean forced willingly giving it back when I got laid off), my life became a whole lot freer.  Sure, sometimes it sucks not being able to check my email constantly, but I think the trade off is totally worth it.

Of course, I bounced back quickly.  After all, me and the Electronic Leash weren't completely monogamous.  I had my little trick on the side.  Now he's not really all that flashy, but he gets the job done.  He's there when I need him and if I don't check in for a while, he doesn't get all clingy on me.  Sure he's not quite the status symbol of Mr. Berry, but you know what?  Maybe I'm just a simple, low maintenance kind of guy.  I get my calls, I get my texts, and I even have a nifty little slide out keyboard.

At least I don't feel guilty ignoring him when he rings at 3:00 AM

In our hunt for a meaningful relationship, we're usually fighting between holding out for "the best" or settling down.  But what is the best?  And what do you do if you really can't afford the best?  Do you still hold out for it?  Do you find a way to get it no matter the cost?

An iPhone may look sleek and shiny and be a status symbol.  But it freezes up just like a frigid trophy wife when you try to hold it in public.  Is that what you want?  Or do you settle with a utility phone without the bells and whistles but won't drop your calls and doesn't mind driving the kids to soccer in a green minivan?  Perhaps you settle for a mid-range Droid, with a few hiccups here or there but mostly works.  But then, do you get iPhone envy?  And do the flashy iPhoners ever wonder what life would be like with something simpler?  Let's recall that the iPhone tracks your every move like Dido a crazy stalker and can only be used with certain accessories you have to buy at a premium.  Hello, can we say "baggage"?

Plus let's recall our lesson from last week, when we learned that joining a cult isn't usually a good idea

But the snazziness of your significant other isn't the only consideration.  Are you the type of person that wants to date around casually and try new things?  Maybe you're not ready for the commitment of a year long contract, so you try something month to month.  Or maybe you're looking for a little extra security, and you worry that if you wait too long, the deal will vanish into this air?  Are you looking for a cheap date who doesn't mind sitting at home and watching movies while eating delivery Chinese, or is your Nobu-loving date only worth it if you invest in their unlimited data plan?

And finally, when it comes to upgrading, what do you do?  Do you stand by the date that's stood by you, or are you in line two days early when Cult Leader Jobs announces something new?  Do you anxiously wait for upgrades or do you not really care?  Are you quick to jump on the next big thing, or do you wait to make sure that they're not completely crazy or have other issues?

In the end, only you can make these decisions, but hopefully, the way you find a phone will help you cope with your own love life.  Or heck, perhaps your own love life can help you deal with your phone anxiety.  But seriously, it's just a phone.  I mean, being able to load Angry Birds on your phone isn't going to help get you laid, no matter what Steve Jobs may tell you.  Now Grindr on the other hand...

F***ed Up Friday: "If God Only Knew" by Beth Hart

Welcome back, cats and kittens, to another installment of F***ed Up Friday.  Last week, we presented a sordid tale of love and loss, of sex, drugs, fur, and cults.  This week, we present none of that.  No, I lie.  This week we present the love and loss (and maybe some of the sex), but gone are the hippie vegans and the cultists.

Today's song returns to the roots of FUF:  Unrequited love.  Now while this isn't quite the creepy stalking love of Dido, the drink alone in the dark unrequited love of Tori Amos, or the completely fucked up trying to commit suicide to impress a girl who is actively trying to murder you of Bruno Mars (seriously!), but it's unrequited love nonetheless.  And best of all, it's probably a song you haven't heard yet (well some of you have because I've forced you to listen to it before).

Note the great unrequited love posture.  Slumping, gazing off into the distance, reaching out to touch someone who isn't there.  Those are all good tips, kids, write them down.

From her 2003 album "Leave the Light On," this week's FUF song is "If God Only Knew" by Beth Hart.  Have a listen here.

If you're thinking to yourself, "Self, I know that singer, where have I heard her before?" you would probably be right.  Beth Hart is most known for "LA Song" which, at least according to the Wikis, reached number 5 on the Adult Contemporary charts.  But we're not talking about that song now.  Focus now...

God only knew, how much I loved that man

Ain't no words to say, the way I feel
It's like a bad dream, but it's real
It seems like only yesterday
We were talkin', in the most familiar way

(At least you're talking...this is a plus...)

Now everybody, knows the way I am
They all see right through my show
I aimed so high, now I'm so low (so low)
I'm all dressed up, and I got nowhere to go

(For the record, that may be my new saying)

If God only knew how I loved that man
I would have died for you, I guess he'll never understand
I loved you right or wrong, it was you all along
Heaven knows that it's true, hard as it's been
I'd do it all over again (over and over, and over again)

I say goodbye to dreamin' (dreamin’)
It's only water, in my hands

(Over, and over, and over…and over again)

So when you see me, walkin' down that street
Don't ignore me, if I speak
'Cause I knew you better, than anyone else
And I loved you more, than you could ever know yourself
(Seriously...who hasn't thought this at some point?)

If God only knew how I loved that man (why don’t you tell me 'bout it)
I would have died for you, and I guess he'll never understand
Loved you right or wrong, it was you all along
Heaven knows that it's true, hard as it's been
I'd do it all over again

(Over, and over again)

So the story is basically the same.  Girl loves boy.  Boy doesn't love girl.  Girl shuts the blinds and closes the door and doesn't let him have other friends anymore.  Sorry, wrong song.  Boy loves girl, girl tries to murder boy, boy responds by trying to commit suicide as a show of undying love.  Sorry, Bruno Mars moment there.

It's certaily unrequited love.  Perhaps even a break up, depending on how you interpret the end of the first verse.  But on a plus, at least this time they were actually talking (in a most familiar way) instead of this being full out stalking.  Then again, as I've told you, just because you're talkign to someone does not preclude you stalking them as well.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel

Of course, rather than, oh say cutting the crap and just telling the guy she loves him, she'd prefer to keep it between her and God.  And although she flirts with suicidal tendencies ("I would have died for you...") at least she never has a Bruno Mars hack-off-my-limbs-for-love moment.

What I think I particularly like about the song is the realization that moving on isn't as easy as certain bloggers would have you think.  Yes, we can rationalize that Super Cute Bartenders are incredibly dumb, that one shouldn't flirt with one's potentially-homo (when you're looking for hetero-lovin') boss who lives across the country, or that unrequited love is having your crush asking for help on their online dating profile, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  We feel good about ourselves when we're in love.  We get that giddy sensation when they acknowledge us and a little bounce in our step when we know we look good, all for trying to impress our mate.  And when things don't work out, we dust ourselves and move on, and do it all over again...